im going moody because i go moody. i cant trust my moods. a small thing yesterday threw me into a depressive and dangerous mood today. i know what i can be like and its that that gets me so down. when i see the mental health people i always make sure i have had some caffeine ,one to get some courage and two to look upbeat. im grateful for their help but if you show up with troubles they just give you the usual talk always limited to the allotted time of the appointment.unless you are suicidal which even then they say go home and relax.so i learnt that its easier to go in just below hyper and not wast time on things they cant do any thing about. i know there is no magic cure,i am on mood stabilizers but im sure they are not up to the therapeutic dose yet so im trying to hold it together without throwing a wobbler with mental health. im sure i never used to cycle this much but i know the condition can change. im getting more and more warped thinking this will never end. cant plan anything as it will always fail. doesnt matter how much you try the demon mood will have its way at some point. they ask why you get reckless and trying to explain its a loose loose situation.if your hyper then you rule the world.after you realize its the oh no not again time and the what the hell does it matter its ruining my life anyway so to hell with bothering feelings. these are not voluntary actions whatever people think.it can bring out frightening sides of personality that can become more and more common and can be a release from the hell of moods.then reality gets cloudy.

a few weeks ago i told what i thought was a friend i had hiv. ive known him years but like all the others he has now distanced himself from me.he still talks but its not like before. now i cant treat anyone as a friend. i was co infected with hep c but took the treatment which unfortunately made me look very ill.i found out then how many people wernt the friends i thought they were. now i have no trust in people,i dont care if they are hurting they can enjoy some of their own medicine. i became a leaper to them,a lot of people with hep c describe it as modern day leprosy. it drives you into your own separate world where you end up distancing yourself from people.when you have no one who understands and to talk to your mind goes strange. i thought at times it doesnt matter what i do what can happen thats worse than this.throw me in prison in solitary. people go on about freedom buti have the freedom to do very little with no money and im in virtual solitary. people are now told how hiv is controllable,which it is,and you have a normal life expectancy which you should. what they dont tell you is how fatigued it can make you.how the meds can hit your stomach out of the blue. they dont tell you how hiv is known to leach through into the brain and cause dementia and other bad things. you have to constantly watch what other meds you take to stop interactions. any chronic illness is like this. some mornings you just dont want another day.i have to start looking for a job soon and i dread it. i can either lie and say nothing,hoping nothing ever gives away the game or tell the truth and wait for the nice refusal.if you lie then you end up living a lie and lieing can become the way of life.i can trip into another person,forget reality and the truth.i spent hlf my life doing it and not realizing i was doing it.

i have been thinking today about my transgender feelings. exposing them was the best and worse thing i have done. its the best because it was driving me mad what i felt and whether it was fantasy or fact and worse because i dont have an off button. coming out and finding out my feelings relieved a lot of stress.i was in a bad place using gay sex and drugs as a release. it got to the point i sought help and asked for chemical castration to one stop the sex and two when the sex drive went to see if i still felt the same. i love being on castration drugs infact if it wasnt for the fact that for grs surgery prefers them in untill close to surgery id be surgically castrated tomorrow. its a thing about body dysphoria,what i see isnt what i expect. it may sound odd but it drives me crazy. i will never be a model infact i accept that i will be borderline passable but i cant help that its the body i was born into.the genitals can be altered and that would make me feel so much more normal.since being on the antiandrogen my breasts have started to show and that helps with the feelings. i was waiting to see how i felt when things like that started and it just feels right. i wish i could hide the penis until i could have surgery it it like a wart on your nose,it doesnt belong. the anti androgen is great it removes most erections and leaves it flacid. occasionally i get the urge to orgasm and thats a pain as i dont want a hard penis(i dont want a penis) so i have to shut my eyes and imagine its my clit and be quick.my sex drive has always been female and its one of the things that upset me as i couldnt get proper satisfaction as a female. nearest was gay sex and as a person who wanted to receive it was close,but it was where the drugs crept in so i could switch off the male bits and be the female me.it was never an answere and as time went on i got more frustrated the bits were missing.to be crude i wanted to feel penetration in a vagina i didnt have. hence the breakdown where i had to seek help for the transgender feelings and the drug problem.
like i say i a glad i came out and its what i want but the reality of making it work is daunting.i have a year before i see the gender clinic so it gives me time to adjust and find out who i am. i have been thinking about what may happen.if i cant go through with full transition i would like surgical castration as i dont want to go back to how i was and it would save taking antiandrogens for life. i will now always be female biased but like i said i have a year to see how much. im hoping that i can control these moods as thats one thing i dont want upsetting the future. im tired of them and now ive found out so much about myself i want to continue without them messing it up. drugs are history,they came about to dampen my feelings at the time but now im out with them drugs dont serve any purpose. i dont want to be in an altered state to be who i am. they were an unfortunate part of my struggle.i have problems from the whole process some of which will never go away.some of which have been life long. i know there will have to be compromises along the way but thats easier than doing nothing.

dont know if the meds are working,i havnt quite reached the theraputic dose yet.im so tired pysically and mentally. not quite sure where im going with all this.its one thing realizing your problems but then you have to do something about them and this isnt easy. i sit alone a lot at home and wonder what i have achieved apart from the fact that if id ended it all when i should have i wouldnt have this problem.you need people round you and not depend on the state services.they help but one appointment every month or so for an hour isnt realy helpfull. ive tried local charaties but the one that does counceling has a 6 month plus waiting list and the second said they wernt accepting any more people at the moment. i dont have anyone who will bother and the couple of people i still talk to dont want to know about my problems. leaves me sort of alone and tired.i cant seem to make anything work and tring now seems pointless.im 4 years out of work hiv with a drug history and mood problems.i must be every employers dream.its hard to be posative when the only thing to be posative about is knowing every thing is failing.the feeling of why wake up tomorrow because its getting worse is growing.i dont know how to improve,i have been through it all before.im being a good patient for mental health so i can get them to discharge me and get away from them. im scared of the consultant im sure he is getting back at me for reporting him for the way his department treated me when i first attended.im stuck untill i can get them to discharge me on good terms then i will never go back. ive lost faith in myself im just waiting for the mood to kick in and start me off all over again. since ive been on this lamotrigene ive had some wierd thoughts and i feel more agitated at times.

giving up caffeine is not fun.ive been exhausted all day and slept half the afternoon. i know ive got to stick at it i cant stand the mood drops after the high.its bad enough having bipolar without helping it every day. im glad i dont have to see the psychologist any more thats one less person to be nice to. im sort of tired of seeing the mental health people,i am glad they referred me to the gender clinic but other than that they havnt done much.dont think i actually wanted much doing other than the gender clinic referal. the doc has put me on laotrigene for the bipolar but the jury is out on that one. i hope it works. the temptation to just stop it all keeps coming back,mainly i think as an easy way out of doing things.i know im only remembering the good bits and not the rest of the bad bits along with the state i got in before. i really dont want to go back to that as im sure i would never crack out of it again,id be stuck like that.some days i wish id never come out of my lies,i felt comfortable,now i struggle with reality.im so suspicious of people i find it hard to trust anyone.one thing with bipolar is when you go hyper the world is good,now its just foggy.