its been an interesting time. coming off meds and thinking i knew everything. then opting to go back on the meds to see if i had a chance to alter my life. i felt like everything was down to the medication but as i realized i was suicidal before i went on the meds or saw mental health i think i just have a confused memory of life. all i know now is im ###$ up.im back on my mood stabilizer and the anti psychotic in a hope i can find some happy place. the anti psychotic is intended i believe as a mood liver/anti depressant but i have pushed the dose up to see if i can get closer to it being a psychotic relief. ive also dropped the dose right down as some have suggested at a low dose around 50mg it acts as a good anti depressant.for me id like to be doped up at the antipsycotic level so i cant over think things and have my brain running at a million miles an hour with all the noise that goes with it.when i was on the mental ward i was doped down and i found a level of life i could cope with.i hate the fact i had anger problems mixed in with that, it made me a bad patient. i should still be on the ward sectioned as its the safest place for me. away from that im going back to being a bad person slowly. i have been away from the ward for 7 months and its been hell. days and weeks of just wasting the days away trying to stay alive,going off meds then back on the meds. id love to ramp the meds up to high level as i think then im medicated to a safe level and not dangerous to others. im off my antiandrogen and now back to the saunas with the voice driving me to be bad. days and weeks have dissapeared. now my thoughts are to ditch the meds completely and then im back to how i used to be with the bipolar moods and sex drive and not caring. the last couple of months ive just stayed in bed in a morning to shorten the day and wasted the days away either on drugs or benzos trying to blott out the world. now its time to make a decision as to where to go. i want to bin all the meds and go back hyper and another person. sod mental health i went for help and all they did was screw me up and then let me aggravated them to a point they couldnt cope and dumped me.my head is screwed at the moment i suffer anxiety and panic attacks daily ,some due to the drug use and some as my brain is melting.im battling the voices coming back in my head telling me what to do but i might just give into them and be who i used to be. feel like ive been numbed for too long but i cant be numbed to where i am out of danger im just in limbo. no drive no direction but needing something.i think i wantto go back to the fantasy world they tell me i used to be in as i at least lived even if it was dangerous and illegal. sod the pdoc he bit off more than he could chew and just walked away. sod him ill make sure he learns one day my way. not sure of anything anymore it all seems a blur and i need to get back to hyperdive. live fast and hard like i used to.