i have been thinking today about my transgender feelings. exposing them was the best and worse thing i have done. its the best because it was driving me mad what i felt and whether it was fantasy or fact and worse because i dont have an off button. coming out and finding out my feelings relieved a lot of stress.i was in a bad place using gay sex and drugs as a release. it got to the point i sought help and asked for chemical castration to one stop the sex and two when the sex drive went to see if i still felt the same. i love being on castration drugs infact if it wasnt for the fact that for grs surgery prefers them in untill close to surgery id be surgically castrated tomorrow. its a thing about body dysphoria,what i see isnt what i expect. it may sound odd but it drives me crazy. i will never be a model infact i accept that i will be borderline passable but i cant help that its the body i was born into.the genitals can be altered and that would make me feel so much more normal.since being on the antiandrogen my breasts have started to show and that helps with the feelings. i was waiting to see how i felt when things like that started and it just feels right. i wish i could hide the penis until i could have surgery it it like a wart on your nose,it doesnt belong. the anti androgen is great it removes most erections and leaves it flacid. occasionally i get the urge to orgasm and thats a pain as i dont want a hard penis(i dont want a penis) so i have to shut my eyes and imagine its my clit and be quick.my sex drive has always been female and its one of the things that upset me as i couldnt get proper satisfaction as a female. nearest was gay sex and as a person who wanted to receive it was close,but it was where the drugs crept in so i could switch off the male bits and be the female me.it was never an answere and as time went on i got more frustrated the bits were missing.to be crude i wanted to feel penetration in a vagina i didnt have. hence the breakdown where i had to seek help for the transgender feelings and the drug problem.
like i say i a glad i came out and its what i want but the reality of making it work is daunting.i have a year before i see the gender clinic so it gives me time to adjust and find out who i am. i have been thinking about what may happen.if i cant go through with full transition i would like surgical castration as i dont want to go back to how i was and it would save taking antiandrogens for life. i will now always be female biased but like i said i have a year to see how much. im hoping that i can control these moods as thats one thing i dont want upsetting the future. im tired of them and now ive found out so much about myself i want to continue without them messing it up. drugs are history,they came about to dampen my feelings at the time but now im out with them drugs dont serve any purpose. i dont want to be in an altered state to be who i am. they were an unfortunate part of my struggle.i have problems from the whole process some of which will never go away.some of which have been life long. i know there will have to be compromises along the way but thats easier than doing nothing.