feel so alone right now. my mood has been sort of level but i get dives into suicidal thinking. im not afraid to die i know its the end. my friends have died off one by one and left me alone. i have been taking my meds backup on the high dose to get me leveled out again and see if i cant get a grip on life. i have so many strange moods these days i cant seem to see what is right anymore. i have made so many mistakes and cockups it seems i cant do anything right. i so wish i could just settle in one mood whether its depressed or hyper but the drift into suicidal thinking is getting to me. i dont want to end up sectioned again but then again i might need it soon as im just all over the place. i fear i will just wake up one morning and end it all.when your unconscious you know nothing of the world and to just stop breathing when like that would be a gift. i seem to be swinging over a few months back to this thinking and it wont go away. the good days dont out weigh the bad days. no one can understand the thinking of a person when they want to end it all. its not a knee jerk reaction but a level thought process to end the misery. i was hit hard watching my friend die of cancer and i just wanted to swap places and let me take the way out.im trying to kick the legal high drugs slowly and when ii get mellowed out life doesnt seem so bad but also death seems a nice end to it.i dont see a future. i dont want to just get old and fde away id rather take myself out and be done with it. it usually ends up with me back in hospital in a state with my arms cut and me stoned out of this world. the last time i was unconscious for a day and a half but when i came round still high i just cried as id not died. i had to face the aftermath of a drugs overdose and the humiliation you get from the hospital staff. i just wanted to get home and sulk that id failed again.its coming round again with life kicking me down when i see a little light and i dont know if i can fight it off again. i hate life the small nice bits are swampped by my stupid brain meltdowns and actions. im a horrible person and i just want out the easiest way. i dont know what will happen in the next days and weeks things are going bad again. ive ramped up my antipsycotic to see if i can dope down and carry on. i like the effect the med has of numbing the brain and i think my gp now gets the idea that being slightly zombified can be a good thing to just get through the days and not want to end things.i have had ideas of dropping all the meds and seeing if i can go hyper again to have a blow out and get things done but they end up being bad things and i risk being tagged and the sexual risk order been put back on. i dontr care if they do the tag did help in a daft way thatiot was a psychical thing to remind me where i was going. once youve been bad its not so bad going back it just seems to be a place you know.the loneliness gets to me i hate some days of being alone and talking to no one. thats when death doesnt seem a bad idea what have i got to loose. when your gone your gone. no one will care. the alternative is to go hyper and party the time away not caring for anyone and been so damaging but not caring. see how it goes i dont have feelings right now either way.