my mood seems to have improved either that or im going hyper. its the trouble with bipolar you can never be sure. i have asked to go onto an injected antiandrogen that lasts 3 months at a time to make sure i have 100% compliance and cant mess it up if i have a bad mood swing. i welcome it as its one of the things that has settled my overall mood a lot. i know that if i didnt take them bad things would happen and i dont want to go back like that. i have said it before if i trip back to that state someone will have to lock me up. i think i know how i get but it has a life of its own and i dont care about anyone.anyway for now life has improved. i asked at first if i could have surgical castration and cure the testosterone problem for good but the pdoc suggested the 3 month injection. even if i dont transition for some reason i cannot let the sex drive get back as it was. i couldnt cope with the body dysphoria during sex and i can go hypersexual with the bipolar. i just couldnt take the risk i dont want to go back there. people suggest self control ect but believe me i end up with none. how i feel now can be completely overridden,i become a different person with little to no caring or consonance. ive struggled to get stable like i am and being castrated is a god send. my confidence is rising as well which i will have to watch as it can be a sign of going hyper. the mood stabilizers dont cure the bipolar they level it out so i can catch the mood wings.now im not burying my transgender state i dont get as wound up,infact its slowly becoming a way of life. it is the sex side as ive said that can trigger feelings that screw me up.i will also say that just the high sex drive can get dangerous if a mood swing hits as sex get more risky to say the least. its just not good at all. a bit of me would like to stop the antiandrogen to see if the hypersexuality is still there but if it was id be in trouble. its a jeckyl and hyde situation. also the perception of how i become can be clouded as i dont remember some of it and i always try to believe its not that bad,you twist the truth to suit yourself.i think thats why mental health were so serious with me at the beginning when i was trying to play some of it down. they see a different perspective on it. i thinki got to them just in time otherwise id have been incarcerated. strange i still remember thinking at the time what does it matter they cant do anything and i dont care. im still not sure im not playing games with them,i get strange thoughts. i feel my transgender feelings are real but something else is wrong.the fact i feel i can switch it all off and act totally different is still there.im not right i know it but im stuck like this.i still bury a lot of m feelings and what people see is a front. when i saw the psycosexual consultant i told him to be careful as i can change and play games,my mood could change over a week. i was in a very unstable state then and was wanting help so was trying to explain. i know they have all this on record and it cant look good but they seem happy enough.