very interesting day yesterday, i went to see a place i used to do work for and used to get on well with the guys there. i hadnt been for 5 months but had been emailing the owner who i told i was hiv. when i turned up the atmosphere was odd and that feeling of your not welcome. i worked there when i had hep c and they all knew but never batted an eye lid. they also know ive been suffering mental health problems and i think the two together has made me unwelcome there. it doesn't bother me,i dont want to be round people like that.i felt uncomfortable in a place id been to for years and helped them through some hard times. i place them as just another lot that as soon as i was unusable to them they turned their backs on me. these days i refuse to hide from my condition and id rather be round one person that understands than hundreds that are like them. im automatically labeled in some form with just one of my problems so with two or three i have to get tough and not hide away.it makes me think sometimes that im hiv transgender with bipolar and mental health problems whoes 6 months off street drugs, what do i do..good job i did the hep c treatment and cured that otherwise i would have a problem.ive got this far and i wont give up despite the really low times. i live in fear of the bipolar kicking me with a bad time,but i cant spend all my time watching for that. its cruel it will sneak up on you just when you think you have cracked it. ive lost some really good jobs i loved through it but i cant alter that.its strange and i know a lot dont believe it but when ive been climbing to hyper which can take a few months i have experienced improved intelligence. i worked as a mechanic and diagnostic engineer and had periods of being able to work out the problems know one else could.the problem came when the mood went so hyper that it all fell apart. ive always had a thing of sticking at a problem till i work it out i just cant let go until i know the problem.when the hyper bit kicks in then it drives workmates crazy with the obsession to do the job
now im looking at struggling to get any job when the pdoc says im fit enough to go to work. i could lie about the past and present but im past that. god knows what i will do. its the main thing on my mind,being transgender its harder but thats me and im not changing that. the other thing that worries me at the moment is my memory just goes for a moment and i will do something different to what i was doing. when people ask if im doing better i give the usual answer of oh yes im fine but i have this feeling im not.i have a constant fear that all the progress will fall apart and it makes carrying on slightly hard.there are times i think too hell with it all ill just go on a bender and give up but i think it is just a mental release from over thinking.