ive always had gender issues. simple ones,not complicated like others.some like the dresses and underwear,i could do that without gender change,some like to look female in face and body to pass like theyve never been male. for me since i can remember my head looked for a vagina and saw none. breasts were the same. i wish when i was near puberty id been castrated of treated on hormnes and been female from then but it couldnt happen then and didint. all my life i couldnt fit in,i didnt want a girlfriend,i didnt want a boyfriend really because i was wrong.i grew up manly in body but curvey and hated it.6"2 big hands the works. ive never been happy. i did when and where possible have my pretend vagina.when i had sex the guys said ur so fem ur better than the wife. when i first went on castration i for the first time felt good. no male response i saw a glimps of how i should be.i couldnt see a way to make it permanent so i gave up.now back on it because i cant control myself when the hormons rise and the mind goes i feel i have to hurt.i can never explain that i want a vagina,to me its been female. why cant i be a butch female,a person like a trans man who turned bac. its a simple op but no it will never be.does anyone care these days iif i was to say im mixed gender.im maleish in looks but genital wise ive a vagina and breasts. a mixture. ive always been a mixture,who says i have to meet a standard.if i got it but said no ive always been mixed gender then they would say odd but hey thats u. because i want it now im a freak. i hurt because of that.i feel lost. now i hope my testicles shrink till they dont exist and my penis goes to the size of a clit then aat least ill be one step nearer. the castration drugs screw ur mind. the concentration goes.the ability to think,but the docs and the powers to be like me like that,no longer a risk in one sense.maybe a risk in others as the hatred rises but as im slowly going mad i dont care. this time ive asked to go back on the meds,nothing left.they dont need a psyc ward im in hell already.theres no way back from here only a step to either side.i cant live without the psyc meds now.i cant cope with reality,it hurts too much. without the meds id explode,id mess up.one small operation and id be happy. because i want that im mad. if i didnt want it id be mad. i see the world go by and im not part of it anymore.what i see others dont but its real to me. i dont complain why should i its my world.i think they see but are scared to say so they go about ignoring what they seeonly i can see the truth.death is all around. it waits and follows watching for the day. i can see them all,the shadows,the black light everywhere.ill be one,follow,watch,wait.