i was pondering my diagnosis today and whilst some of it does fit how i am i know the consultant ignored or just didnt recognize some of the other bits.i know from years back i suffer stress induced psychosis.its complicated as when ive seen some one about my problems in years gone by its always been kept under cover so to speak.there is an offical report from a job i had 15 years ago where i had had incidences where i worked culminating in me dissapearing for a week.i dont even know where i went or what i did but when i returned i was seen by a doc over a few days and again stress induce psychosis was his thought along with some version of mood dissorder.he did have some reports on me i didnt know,they were more concerns but it resultedin me been discharged from the job. actually my mood went off the planet,i told them to stick their job,stick their diagnosis and never bother me again.i cant get any of the paper work regarding all that due to the nature of the job i had,if they didnt shred it then its buried deep and they will deniegh it happened.in all my life that was the first time i had had a doc see me because of my actions theyd seen.in the next job i had a couple or 3 years in i got sent to a private doctor by the company because of my actions and other staff were concerned.i never saw the report but i was taken off saftey related work imeadiattly and life went very wierd at work.the guys i worked with used to call me jekyll and hide.one who trusted a lot,he had won awards for man manegment and other stuff talked to me after this and said you have real problems dont you,ive seen it before why dont you go get help. typical me,oh no i can manage its not a problem im used to it ect ect.but he told me you dont realize when youve tripped out do you,you get paranoid over things and sometimes ive seen you away in another world,you come and tell us things that no one has said but your convinced you herd it from someone and then trip out as you think we are makingit up. you dont know how many times youve come close to been discaplined but we have covered for you.i did have a couple of rel trip outs,one resulted in a formal investigation but due again to the natureof where i worked it was whitewashed.around this time i had got hiv and had to tell the company and that made me a marked man,my days there were very numbered.shortly after i was told i had hep c as well and had been put forward for treatment soon. that was it they wanted me out asap. as it happened i started the treatment and it made me so ill and tripped my mood i walked out within the month.that treatment really screwed my mental health. they warned me if i had any previous mentl problems it could make it worse.i wish i had never done that treatment it has cost me so much.the guys i had worked with were told not to have contact with me due to the nature of my leaving.that big corperate companies for you just a set of lieing arse lickers.i never told the doc most of this. i couldnt prove what the docs said i never got any paperwork and iknow both companies would keep quiet about it due to what they do.you know if you think we are going to admit the guy thats just spent 35 million of our money actually is mentally unstable and psychotic then you are dreaming.as life has gone on and things just go round in circles you blank out the bad bits hoping that next time will be different,next time you will catch it,next time you will stay with it.but it doesnt work like that.im 53 and ive ended up with nothing.all my friends have deserted me if they were ever friends at all,my head is screwed up,my health is shot.ive ended up introuble with the police big time although i still have a problem with wats gone on.i have always had a problem with bad thoughts.some ive acted on and some have come close they are my secrets and they stay with me. since the hep treatment things got worse and over the last few years have taken over.right now i know im climbing hyper again.i think the mood meds have stopped been effective,ive been on them nearly 3 years at the same dose give or take.i saw the consultant mid last year because my gp was trying to get me on a cbt course and i said about raising the dose but he said we arnt going there and that was that. i havnt seen him since,he told me he didnt need to see me anymore so effectivly i have no mental health care. i have to see community mental health next week but ive just been told its only a formality to see if they can put in for funding for this cbt,there is nothing to do with any mental health care its a one off to do with procedure.i aint going.i know they will have a go at me to say im unstable so they can refuse the application again and im not going to allow them to even try.they hate me,they lied in statements to the police to try to make me look worse than i am they are scum.last year all bar a few incidenses,well 2 attempted suicides,being locked up by pc plod,a court order and a tag,i kept my head down. i only went out the house if i really had to and i spent half the year dopped up with anything i could find.when i attempted suicide at the begining of last year that was it i wanted out big time.it didnt work,twice and that just flipped me. *Mod edit* then i got arrested.got intruegued over it and it was interesting for a while. didnt bother me at the time,if it had got bad i was off this planet. anyway it finaaly blew over and i sort of tried to carry on. not sure if what i did was right but hey ive still got my way out stashed away.its been since the begining of the year that i feel it all going bad again.some things i cant expalin i dont know how to and im not sure i want to or should do.i kidded my self that last year it had changed.i didnt freak out as such,it was sort of quiet but i know ive been like that before.ive had years where ive been withdrawn and quiet to most of the world.ive had it recently with the doctors,both my gp and the gum doc. my throat and mouth were hurting, but id ben diagnosed with ghonerha in the throat.i told the gum doc but he fobed it off and dint look so i told my gp and he said better have the gum doc look at it,he didnt look either. so sod them.they are not playing with me like that. i asked nicely but they fobbed me off.i saw the gum nurse and said my throat hurts can it be the hiv or sti or what. oh thats for your gp not my department.they are not nice anymore.my shadow doesnt like them and i will show them what its cost them. ive been shown a new way.always given the tools to work with. they wont work it out till its too late.wont break any of the rules theyve given me,well not that they will realize.im behind on work.must catch up but it will take a little while to be ready.funny when your single and free,you can be like a ghost.no one to miss you,no one to know where youve been,no one to know if youve been home or away for a time.used to travel all over the country for a lot of years for work but mostly alone.the trucks had no recorders in them so no one knew if you had strayed for a while.fun times for work.used to like sneaking of to the beach if it was close. watch the sea. used to be tiring some times. had times i left base tire and the night would be a blur. used to hit my bed and sleep,waking up many hours later late for work and memory of a dead frog.when i got sectioned and they medicated me the world went quiet.i was happy.i could function,bit slow but ok.it only went bad when they decided they had over medicated me and dropped the doses.thats when i did a bunk.dont know why it seemed like a good idea at the time.to be hounest i only remember bits of my times on the ward but i remeber tinking this will do me. i dont really think,its peacefull,its like im in controll no bad thoughts why cant i stay like this,put me in a corner and feed me andd ill be happy till i die.oh no back to the roller coaster ride. it made me laugh,my gp said i was so with it and happy when he first came to the village.the look on his faace when i said yeh i was super hyper and well out of controll. i said dont you remember i crashe dsoon after and i think i went parnoid over the docs all out to get me and allegidly threataning to do things. he then remembred. yeh we didnt see you for a while you stayed away. the problem comes when i stay away,they dont see me,they dont have a clue what i get up to,mind you niehtr do i sometimes,its not untill i crash and burn they see me again.
so now im alone with everything.i played naughts and crosses a few nights ago. **Mod edit* with a blade.doesnt hurt as much as it used to.i did wonder if it hurts cutting you hand off. meat cleaver and one big chop.interesting thought.dont know