this latest rapid mood swings is caffeine im certain. i had stopped but the meds were making me tired so i decided to have just one cup with the main meds first thing in a morning. long story short that has crept up to 4 or 5 cups a day. not a lot for most but i seem sensitive to it and although it picks me up,now too much i go hyper,the crash is getting bad with mood nose diving badly. i have to give it up before it ruins all ive achieved. for me its more damaging than any other drug ive used. i get drug tested every month and when i see the councilor im going to ask for advice. crazy im addicted to caffeine after the other drugs ive used and never had a real addiction too. the mood drops dont last too long,maybe an hour or so but i can get so low i get to the point of thinking about suicide again. i have to get some will power and just accept that i dont have as much energy at the moment and stop using caffeine to try to combat it. i am soooooooooo annoyed with myself for letting it creep back in and affect me. its like any drug it has a nice effect at first but soon becomes a problem. i have to treat it like any serious drug,thats hard its only coffee and tea.i know its not what it is but what it does that matters. im glad the withdrawal effect are short lived as i need to stop now and not restart. ive re read some of my posts and its frightening when i see the anger and bad mood in them.

been to see the psychologist today to be told no more visits. that was another waste of time,one of their hoops you have to jump through. now all i want is mental health off my back.ill be a perfect patient to them and hope the psychiatrist discharges me when i see him in feb. just a case of going through the motions,they are so over subscribed that they luv to discharge people at the first chance. they can stuff all the things they think they have helped with im going back to being me.i cant see this lamotrigene helping,when i ask how will i know i get no answer they just side step it.the gum consultant has given the psychiatrist some wrong info as to how my hiv drugs affect the lamotrigene dose,i have asked my gp to check and he agrees that the info needs correcting.another consultant i cant trust.i think ill kick the lamotrigene and the anti-androgen in to touch and get back to how i was and to hell with them all.in the long run their treatments are just pray and hope. id rather be how i know i will be not waiting to see if anything changes. sex,drugs and rock and roll thats a better way to live.

theres a lot of #######4 in this life. i dont know why people believe it they must be more stupid than me.we spend stupid amounts of money on military hardware that is less and less needed yet we cut and cut spending on hospitals.the people in charge,the government never take a pay cut to help,they make sure that they are ok and they have some good waffle to answer the questions with.hospital services are contracted out to companies who then cut corners to sneak a bit more cash out of the nhs. we all know these services are poor to say the least but we just accept it.if they are questioned the corperate companies always have a #######4 to shirt round the questions and if they get caught out they have a few middle managers they can blame and sack. when it gets towards the end of the contract and someone else is going to get it then they spend the least possible,what have they to loose.its the same in a lot of vital services, the idea of first off giving a good service turns out to be waffle, its how cheap can we run it now we have the contract regardless of what we promised and how can we justify it.my gum clinic is going to be put to contract to virgin,so i guess it will become absolute minimum attendances and cost cutting. theres nothing wrong with making things run better but if its done by just not doing things then thats criminal. the people making the decisions arnt in the same position as the people who rely on the services its a them and us situation.
i worked in a government contract and after the first year all the dick head young middle managers started trying to save money. we were supposed to be a non profit service provider with a level of service pre agreed and paid for but they wanted to look good for their cv`s so started to save money that the company pocketed and didnt spend improving the service.by the time i left it was a joke. it was just a lie and cheat but make sure you cant be blamed. i was refusing to put my name to things as id worked out we were being set up as fall guys if it went pear shaped.of course then your not a team player. team player means do as your told and dont argue.i didnt and hated the managers and they knew i was wise to them. i hated my depot manager with a vengeance,he was a vindictive nasty man and a useless manager. if he was clinging on to a cliff id stamp on his hands and smile as he fell then spit on his dead body.

couldnt think of a title. new years eve and ive become the invisible person again. hate them all the set of bastards. sure they do it on purpose to wind me up. nicey nicey when they want something then sod him when it might involve anything like being a friend. its like christmas and all the other holidays,excuses after if they happen to run into me. id rather run over them. im a big fool for keep trying to help even though i know they will dump me after. one day they will do it once to often and ill have the last laugh. with any luck my gender change will go forward and i have every intention of never talking to those people again. i know they will try their best to say hello just to see if its still possible to wind me up but ill just ignore them or a swift sod off and get back to your sad life should suffice. when people treat you like that it give you such a sense of being worthless and bad that the next time you try to make up for it and its back to the same routine. im sure i imagine im more welcome than i actually am and go a bit hyper but im never sure. im sure with the bi polar ive gone off into hyper land too many times but theres also been something odd as well.

when i see the psychologist she has asked on a couple of occasions if i here voices.i told the truth sort of that as she described they sound like someones in the room.i do have a voice in my head that wont shut up but it may be me just over thinking. when i used ketamine it was great as the voices went away and i felt in control. i know its daft as ketamine reduces control but i felt better as long as i didnt take enough to get completely spaced out. i explained to my drug counselor that it was never an intention to get wacked out as i took it to enhance the evening not forget it. at the time i was trying to get satisfaction in a sexual way as a woman and the only way was anal sex. ketamine is an anesthetic so if a small amount is used anally it helps reduce discomfort. it also reduces shyness and for me let me express my female desires with no inhibitions. the big trouble was the more i had sex the more i realized my gender problems.the cure was more ketamine to kill the anxiety. after a night of sex and the drugs had worn off i was left wondering what the hell to do about my gender.i was frightened to see a doc so it was slowly driving me crazy. i was sure then i had a split personality as i switched from being someone who mumbled through life to the female me who felt confident and more real.ive blanked out the old me as i dont feel it was right but i still get voices saying run away just go back to how you were. the problem with that is he doesnt care about a thing. the sex was wild and not altogether safe.he would lie and cheat to get friends.theres loads more i wouldnt put in writing.when i first saw the psychiatrist he had to check on the legal status of certain things but did nothing.the joys of a sauna. im not proud of how i was,i know i didnt give a dam.
i think i was fighting a personality that wasnt me but i dont know. at the time i appeared to be normal but ketamine,codeine,poppers,coffee,speed and various legal highs made up my intake of drugs.anything to stop the voices and hide my troubles. i could never settle i was always thinking.throw in bi polar and anger fits(only in private) and i lost reality. i dont care about people,everyone ive accepted as a friend has $#%^ on me. i constantly watch people in case i see the signs of being stabbed in the back.i take pleasure seeing some of the people i knew having a bad time,i think they deserve worse.