new year new tasks. got my tagg back on as ive promised to be a good boy.the police have a bee in there bonnet and untill they get bored and go away ive got to behave.might prove if ive got any control over what happens as it does act as a deterant but how much only time will tell.things are happening to make it where i cant just ask for it taking off which if i fall foul of im in trouble.doing it whilest im a bit more stable and then its on and it reminds me i have a problem.if i break the rules it really means ive lost it and really they should lock me up as ive left the planet again.dont know what pc plod is trying to find,well i sort of do but its buried.well not burried as such just not really there where they are looking.not planned like that ive never been good at planning things its all by luck really.been stable for a few weeks now and enjoying it but im scared that coming soon is the decision about my driving licience as to whether i get it back.i fear i may not for good due to the mental health issues and i know it will trip me out if that happens.last time they took it off me i went out of this world and nothing stops it. its like a switch to another reality. thats when i attempted suicide and got sectioned again.if/when i get the letter i can see myself going on a week long drugs binge,ive been thinking of nothing else.if it happens it happens i cant stop it just hope it doesnt end bad.if i wake up back in a police cell then i know its all gone pear shaped. dont actually mind the police cells its nice and quiet and no one disturbs you,well except pc plod wanting to ask silly questions. you know its really annoying when you tell them your on a med that screws ur memory and nothings clear and they look at you with that look of disbelife.please themselfs as far as im concerned ive tried to be helpfull and if they dont like that then sucks to be them.im just me when i talk to them but even just on the mood meds i have to concentrate and stay fixed otherwise my mind drifts off and i loose track of the conversation.in a lot of ways i dont care anymore. ive just about lost anything i had and ive nothing i care for anymore so life is just stale.with the personality dissorder i have reached the point that after the last crash i cant pick the pieces up anymore. i dont know where they are supposed to go and why bother they only fall apart again. i feal im the most dangerous ive ever been although the last 2 or 3 week ive been meak and mild.ive nothing left to loose. having the tag back on is the very lat attempt im having at having a bit of control.its probably the wrong way to describe it but if it fails then hey shoot me.i will give it a go and its set up that if i do fail then they can have me.its has to be said i dont care whats gone on. a lot of what ive done is what it is,no remorse or guilt.cant alter how i am or have been.last year i expressed my intentions and actions a lot of the year and it actually became wierd as no one really questioned it and i never denieghd them.it became a sort of quiet stalemate.when i came back into reality occasionally they would ask did i mean it but when you say i must have i said it but dont remember they dont know what to do.ive always had a very dark side its just got worse over the last5 years.perhaps it was bad before i just never noticed.does piss me off big time that the docs keep refereing to my problem over the last couple of years and i keep telling them try the last 40 years.they havnt done any real research into my past mainly because i havnt popped up on their radar.,half my medical records seem to have dissapeared.they just thought they knew it all and this was a recent thing. oh boy are they wrong.just because i havnt been locked up before or sectioned before doesnt mean it wasnt there.i have had so many times in the past when people around me have delt with me keeping me away from the authorities and doctorswhen ive been bad,some of the times they have said i would have been sectioned if they had not delt with me to keep me away from doctors.i have a real problem with doctors. i have lived in a very protected world,i was surrounded by doctors,worked within shall we say protected enviroments where the people who would normally pick up on events were looking out not in ..i have mostly been alone and been a bit of a loner so no one sees me when i dissapear for a time,or kick off at home. no one misses me if i go out on a night or dont return for a few days.noone to question whats going on.ive been suicidal for as lng as i can remember it just never got to anyones attention.the crisis team probably got it right in that i used to go into self destruct mode it just never got picked up on.just pure luck nothing else.i know the one thing that might have altered things is the giving up.its not giving up caring i never did care its just like tiredness.im sick of the battle,sick of the same cycle time after time.i dont care what they call it to me it seems a mixture of various things but some seem very dangerous.i had to admit to the police that sex had become a dangerous game,pysically dangerous but it wasnt worrying me it was that i had just noticed after something happened and it was like oh no wheres this leading to.its part of the reason the tag is back on to curb the sex.there was no panic, no worry as you know it,the only thought was i really dont need this now as i have something else i must do and need to be out to do it so give the tagg a go and see if i cant stay around a bit longer.