i dont think dropping the dose of the meds the docs prescribe has helped in a way i thought. i dont know if i can stand being without on meds. im so tempted now to ramp them back up to the max i can on what im prescribed. all this up and down of meds and trying to kick drugs is screwing with my mind.right now im ripping apart and dont have a clue what to do. my gp is great but hes not a pdoc and that worries me. i want to be back on the psych ward where i can be safe and doped down to get me back to a level i dont kick off or freak out. i am stuck at home every day going madder and madder as theres nothing to do in this one horse village. day after day stuck in the house i hit the dissasositives to get away from my mind but every time i come back worse than before. im going to either cut my wrists or smash hell out of the place i cant take much more. last year i was sectioned and i understand why but i fought back and pissed off the guy trying to help me so he kicked me out. now i want back in but it seems impossible.my head is broken and i cant hold it together much longer. i just want to do something bad and be locked away for good. im in hell right now and i will explode.suicide is an easy way out and it lurks at the corner of my mind haunting me. its pushing me and i cant fight it off much longer.i cant see the world straight anymore its so odd. nothing makes sense. dear god im in hell. if i hurt someone soon its not my fault i cant hold on. i want to be asleep i want to see the world through the haze of medication where it cant hurt me.someone will understand but then it may be too late. not my fault not my fault not my fault notmy fault