I have to get back to some form of work. it fills me with dread and fear. in the past i fully disclosed my health state when applying for jobs and i got no replies. now i cant do what i used to,i havnt got the energy,concentration or interest. now im also faced with whether to disclose my transgender status. i cant face disclosing things again so that means lieing in simple terms. oh joy and fun a time of living in fear of being rumbled.the other choice is to give up the mood stabilizers and the castration drugs to get some energy back and pray a hyper episode comes on so i can not remember how much i go off center.
i think the time of hoping i really could change has come to an end. i cant stand stress or conflict i never could, just if i was hyper it would seem a bit less bother. what i have been through the last few years has hurt me,i have tried to get over it but its just eaten deeper. admitting to myself i am trans gender and the way it came out hasnt done me much good. i can try to bury it again but now i know i dont think that will work. to carry on with it will make me look a fool and i couldnt handle that. im just a nobody that has reached the end of a road. i see a mental health worker but i cant tell her my feelings, i dont feel comfortable there. what are they going to do anyway. im not one for jumping off bridges i far prefer letting the moods and the bad side of me take me hyper so i can burn out once and for all. ive had enough failures in my life and there comes a time to say enough is enough. ive lost the will to try much more. i dislike most people and i dont want to be part of a group or workforce team or anything like that. i see a drugs counselor who keeps going on about recovery groups and social groups and he doesnt listen when i say im not interested,i dont want to be in a group of people i dont know or trust and have them quiz e as to why im there. its never going to happen.i go because mental health insist on been drugs tested but why the try to give me drugs rehabilitation when i havnt touched drugs for 9 months is beyond me. i just humor them what else can i do.its actually getting annoying now i wish they would just do the drugs test and then let me go home.i have zero interest in the rest of the rubbish they go on about. if i was to hit drugs again neither they or anyone else could do a thing about it as it would be burn out time. i have no intention to touch drugs but if i let the final hyper episode kick in all bets are off i wont be coming back.
i should be more positive about work but to be honest somebody telling me what to do, the first time its nasty they are going to hurt a lot.too many people have hurt me in the past when ive tried to be good and the next will suffer.