really hacked off.i eventually found out i could have not had the last antiandrogen injection as by the time the testosterone would kick back in i would have stopped the mood stabilizer.When i went for it no one knew anthing about stopping the injection and my gp was off work. so now i have to wait 3 months for it to stop working and then hope the testosterone returns quickly.so wish i hadnt had it i just need to get the body working properly again.3 months isnt the end of the world i just have to be patient i guess.if i put my mind to it i can overide the lack of hormonal sexual desire but with the horrible withdrawl from the mood med i just want to get rid of that from my system first. When i was in the mental ward i got tagged(electronic ankle band to track my movements) because of my previous going ons and at the time my feelings.It was supposed to stay on for minimum 2 years but on getting out of the hospital i beat the order that got it fitted ona technicality and the tag was removed.The police were hacked off but had to remove it.Felt so good to beat them and didnt take much effort LOL.
Like ive said getting off the drugs they had me on has occupied most of the time since coming out of the hospital but slowly i feel the old me returning.3 months will fly by and give me time to recover from the withdrawl saga if i can hold it together during it. the mood does nose dive and like ive said the old type of mood swings are creeping back in as the dose of mood drug lowers.i could have lived with the drugs i was on if i could have got settled,i didnt mind being in one state of mind,i dont mind going back to how i was before the drugs,its this inbertween bit thats horrible.im starting to have hyper times showing up.only short sometimes a couple of hours but there none the less.i do think im getting mixed periods at the moment which gives me the clue my old moods will return.im so glad ive come to a descion over the trans feelings and i know i can live with them buried now i have faced up to them.

havnt posted on here for a while and things have changed. after i was discharged from the mental ward they decidied my problem was not bipolar but a personality disorder.they decided to bring me off the medications i was on and im still trying to get off lamotrigine,the mood stabilizer they put me on.A big change is the transgender feelings.they have diminished as i realized there is no way i can go through with it so it has been buired in my mind and the female persona overuled and put back where she belongs.im stopping the antiandrogen and trying to return to normality.coming off the mood stabilizer is hell,the panic attacks and feeling bad is nearly beyound description.i thinkthat it has occupied so much of my time recently ive not noticed how ive had mood swings creeping backin. time will tell how it works out,the current anti androgen injection stops working in jan next year whichis fine as i didnt want a chance of any withdrawl from it whilst im getting off this dam mood drug.i wanted to stop this month but common sense took over,i just dont need testosterone kicking back in whilst im struggling with withdrawl problems.i think that as i have come down in dose of the mood drug i actually reached a dose that calmed my mood without realizing it but im still carrying on dropping as the doc wants me off it.at the moment im experiencing mixed mood episodes and i can see the mood swings returning once the drug is stopped regardless of the pdocs diagnosis.i still hate him,i still ant to play mind games with him but as he handed me back to my gp to get me off the drugs i dont see him.right now im calmer than ive been in a long time,i think because of the mood stabilizer being reduced and being tired in general.i think come january when the injection has stopped working and testosterone flows again then life will pick up.the drive thats emerging is to get back to my old self,the girl in me tried to come out but failed and i won the battle.ima bit knumb at the moment like things are changing but im just along for the ride.i do know that its a battle with the withdrawl effects and the change in mood the drug brought out.tonight as i write this im a bit dopped from diazepam so life does seem a little calmer but in reality i know its still up and down,a few nights ago i slipped back to feeling suicidal for the night.i bought a bottle of vodka and had some benzo pills and sat looking at them.in the end the thing that stopped me was someone online saying they dont work,even with the vodka,id just end up feeling awfull and then probably having to face withdrawl effects from the benzos. my gp still sees the risk i have and he will only give me 14 days of any meds at a time. all i can think about now is getting back to how i was before i started with mental health.may just become a visious circle.ive certanly felt the moods swinging again but at the moment they are all over the place which is understandable as the mood stabilizer has less effect.i do have a growing desire just to be my old self,moods and all

the mind games are becoming fun. i have a consultant now bitten and more than i thought he would. he is doing my work for me he he is is ruffled its great. high level medical man manipulated.makes my warped mind happy. wow he can be made to react quickly. wonder if i can drive him out of his job for a while.he has passed me as as sane and good. ive been bipolar since 5 and yet he just declared i have no mental problems . hes cracked,now do i play with him. i love the evil feeling i can screw his mind slowly and he cant work out how. the best way to be is to be passed as sane by a consultant, they shoot themselves in the foot as then they can do anything. he has defiantly changed towards me. more fool him for upsetting me

i so wish i could go back and change all my attitudes when i engaged with mental health. i know i play games with people and myself. its like im seeking attention but its more complicated than that. some of it is evil,some of it is another person. i manipulate and play mind games which involve hurt just o see if i can. and now i dont even know if all this is true. i feel i have a person in me that can come out and see it as just a game and its time to be normal again but the normal turns bad. im so confused by it all now im scared. is it all just one fantasy. the suicide feelings arnt. the last 2 i made contact with my crisis team which ment i wanted intervention or was it just to get attention. if this is all just attention seeking its horrible but i still belive its 2 people in me and one is still fighting to survive.but i think the one fighting to survive is the bad one. maybe its all rubbish and im just a jerk. the suicide feelings are real because i want to end all the unknowing. my crisis team have talked so much about where i am and where i need to be but its the place i crashed from. i feel like i could just snap out of it and be a normal person but what does that mean.as a normal person i was bad. its all so confusing. maybe im just frightened of life, i certainly cant cope with a lot of things. to change thoughts from day to day but end up still suicidal on an evening is not right. if im hounest im suicidal during the day but yet i can sit in a conversation with a crisis worker and hide it. i put on a different side to me. ill agree with whats said. seem cooperative hope full then after i get out i think what a load of rubbish. its the bad person taking over. con everyone,lie,cheat,manipulate be evil. why do i know im like this all i can think of is the good person in me knows and is trying to stop it. its loosing. i have stronger and stronger feelings of another person coming out. ive started manipulating and playing games again.i had stopped that,i had become a different person but its dissapeaering. i cant work it out.if i know how i am why dont i change it.why do i know how i am.what the hell is wrong with me. is this all just a big game im playing if so what does that make me. the recent suicide attempts were very close to succeding and i think i want the next to. i dont want to find out who or what i am i couldnt even believe it would be right or id manipulate my way round it. im scared of myself. i dont want to live in a world im inventing. im scared it is an evil side of me that presents as normal but has a real evil side. im not right. but yet i can trip into a person that says i am. my actions for suicide have been to stop whats happening as i dont want it to return to how i was. i think ive seen the nice caring person in me and its slipping away. i regret a lot of things ive done right now but i feel the feelings of all that going and not giving a dam again. i cant let that happen. im just not stable its like being in a dream world i can control. to take my own life is hard but i so want this to end. i cant concentrate on altering it,and if i do i dont know if i will be in a real world. it wont ever go away it will always be some sort of lie or fantasy,im warped
i wish i could be locked away and doped till i die but thats not an option so i have to choose the next best thing. im just not right whatever it is.ive spent a year hopping in and out of mental health care some with mood change and some i dont know why. i got paranoid i hated my consultant i just change personality. ive sat with my case worker and just played a good patient,gone out and laughed at what id done. why if its just to seek attention then i hate it but that may be some but my moods do change and i go strange for a time. i have tried to understand it which i never did before but it frightens me what i think i know now about myself. i really belive there are 2 people in me and at the moment the nice one is trying to find reality but...

[ Continued ]

i have a rapid mood change problem where i will cancel and pull out of clinics.had it years. by its own nature it makes it hard to stay on treatment for things. today asked if there was anything i could do like sign my right to treatment to the doc so i have to attend. theres nothing .its the one thing i wanted help with and now it looks like i cant get help.
so thats it for me.its been with me 40 years and ruined my life so enough is enough,i cant stand upsetting people and ruining clinic appointments anymore. no friends left walked out of every job ect ect. there is a time to give in and go to sleep forever.