i so wish i could go back and change all my attitudes when i engaged with mental health. i know i play games with people and myself. its like im seeking attention but its more complicated than that. some of it is evil,some of it is another person. i manipulate and play mind games which involve hurt just o see if i can. and now i dont even know if all this is true. i feel i have a person in me that can come out and see it as just a game and its time to be normal again but the normal turns bad. im so confused by it all now im scared. is it all just one fantasy. the suicide feelings arnt. the last 2 i made contact with my crisis team which ment i wanted intervention or was it just to get attention. if this is all just attention seeking its horrible but i still belive its 2 people in me and one is still fighting to survive.but i think the one fighting to survive is the bad one. maybe its all rubbish and im just a jerk. the suicide feelings are real because i want to end all the unknowing. my crisis team have talked so much about where i am and where i need to be but its the place i crashed from. i feel like i could just snap out of it and be a normal person but what does that mean.as a normal person i was bad. its all so confusing. maybe im just frightened of life, i certainly cant cope with a lot of things. to change thoughts from day to day but end up still suicidal on an evening is not right. if im hounest im suicidal during the day but yet i can sit in a conversation with a crisis worker and hide it. i put on a different side to me. ill agree with whats said. seem cooperative hope full then after i get out i think what a load of rubbish. its the bad person taking over. con everyone,lie,cheat,manipulate be evil. why do i know im like this all i can think of is the good person in me knows and is trying to stop it. its loosing. i have stronger and stronger feelings of another person coming out. ive started manipulating and playing games again.i had stopped that,i had become a different person but its dissapeaering. i cant work it out.if i know how i am why dont i change it.why do i know how i am.what the hell is wrong with me. is this all just a big game im playing if so what does that make me. the recent suicide attempts were very close to succeding and i think i want the next to. i dont want to find out who or what i am i couldnt even believe it would be right or id manipulate my way round it. im scared of myself. i dont want to live in a world im inventing. im scared it is an evil side of me that presents as normal but has a real evil side. im not right. but yet i can trip into a person that says i am. my actions for suicide have been to stop whats happening as i dont want it to return to how i was. i think ive seen the nice caring person in me and its slipping away. i regret a lot of things ive done right now but i feel the feelings of all that going and not giving a dam again. i cant let that happen. im just not stable its like being in a dream world i can control. to take my own life is hard but i so want this to end. i cant concentrate on altering it,and if i do i dont know if i will be in a real world. it wont ever go away it will always be some sort of lie or fantasy,im warped
i wish i could be locked away and doped till i die but thats not an option so i have to choose the next best thing. im just not right whatever it is.ive spent a year hopping in and out of mental health care some with mood change and some i dont know why. i got paranoid i hated my consultant i just change personality. ive sat with my case worker and just played a good patient,gone out and laughed at what id done. why if its just to seek attention then i hate it but that may be some but my moods do change and i go strange for a time. i have tried to understand it which i never did before but it frightens me what i think i know now about myself. i really belive there are 2 people in me and at the moment the nice one is trying to find reality but is been beaten down by the old nasty person. i do know i can change personality,with things like my handwriting changes my thoughts change god everything changes. i want to find reality but i dont think i could ever stay in it. i read some of my posts and they are so angry and hurting to people some is venting anger and a lot is real feelings when i wrote them. thats not a sane person. i read them at the moment not as the person who wrote them. i think my bad person has been trying to ruin the things the good person was trying to do to get back control.
oh god it could be all one person just jumping moods. i know one day i can make decisions to change and the next think thats not me. i cant lock myself in one state. i came out as transgender and now im not even sure thats true. i tell the docs dont believe a thing i say im so unsure who i am.