i like it when it snows,looks so clean and fresh. told a guy who i used to think was a friend to sod off and stop bothering me today. he emails with problems either in his business or his car for information being like im a friend then after either knocks my help or just stops emailing when he has an answer. today i told him to go away and find another mug im sick of him and to get a grip on his life and work. i know he will eventually email back apologizing and saying he will but now he just gets ignored ive had enough of people like that.i dont care how insulting i get with them,the more the better,then they will never come back. they are the sort that offer to do things for me but never actually do or twats as they are known. following my transgender path i know i have to be tough and i just dont need people like that thinking they can use me. if it seems nasty then it is,being nice got me nothing. i wish them nothing but missery. back on a happier note ive started to make a plan of action for my future.it will help me see my goals and the time line for doing that.

very interesting day yesterday, i went to see a place i used to do work for and used to get on well with the guys there. i hadnt been for 5 months but had been emailing the owner who i told i was hiv. when i turned up the atmosphere was odd and that feeling of your not welcome. i worked there when i had hep c and they all knew but never batted an eye lid. they also know ive been suffering mental health problems and i think the two together has made me unwelcome there. it doesn't bother me,i dont want to be round people like that.i felt uncomfortable in a place id been to for years and helped them through some hard times. i place them as just another lot that as soon as i was unusable to them they turned their backs on me. these days i refuse to hide from my condition and id rather be round one person that understands than hundreds that are like them. im automatically labeled in some form with just one of my problems so with two or three i have to get tough and not hide away.it makes me think sometimes that im hiv transgender with bipolar and mental health problems whoes 6 months off street drugs, what do i do..good job i did the hep c treatment and cured that otherwise i would have a problem.ive got this far and i wont give up despite the really low times. i live in fear of the bipolar kicking me with a bad time,but i cant spend all my time watching for that. its cruel it will sneak up on you just when you think you have cracked it. ive lost some really good jobs i loved through it but i cant alter that.its strange and i know a lot dont believe it but when ive been climbing to hyper which can take a few months i have experienced improved intelligence. i worked as a mechanic and diagnostic engineer and had periods of being able to work out the problems know one else could.the problem came when the mood went so hyper that it all fell apart. ive always had a thing of sticking at a problem till i work it out i just cant let go until i know the problem.when the hyper bit kicks in then it drives workmates crazy with the obsession to do the job
now im looking at struggling to get any job when the pdoc says im fit enough to go to work. i could lie about the past and present but im past that. god knows what i will do. its the main thing on my mind,being transgender its harder but thats me and im not changing that. the other thing that worries me at the moment is my memory just goes for a moment and i will do something different to what i was doing. when people ask if im doing better i give the usual answer of oh yes im fine but i have this feeling im not.i have a constant fear that all the progress will fall apart and it makes carrying on slightly hard.there are times i think too hell with it all ill just go on a bender and give up but i think it is just a mental release from over thinking.

well xmas is coming and the time of year that people forget you exist. they dont want someone different around. i get all the excuses then the guilt offer after xmas. ive got used to it and have got used to spending Christmas alone. this year ive beaten them all to it and said im busy with pre arranged things. now im looking forward to having a christmas as more myself and maybe next year one with new friends as a transitioning transgender. even if i cant get that far i wont go back to how i was hiding away behind a front. i know that just fails after a while and every thing else follows it. i feel better lately but i dont know if im right.i would hope the pdocs would say if its bad, i do get the feeling somethings not right. perhaps they are just waiting for something to change. its horrible when they dont give you a clear indication of how you are. i feel like i could kick this current me into touch and just rebel back to how i was, that cant be right. the other thing is if im not right how not right am i. what do i do in the future. i seem to be taking some things too lightly. i surrendered my lenience some months ago but i just got a letter saying i can drive if i meet the medical standard. ive given the letter to my doc but its been a few days and he hasnt got back to me yet.id like to drive again but ive sort of got a feeling i dont care if he says no. just another thing taken from me.eventually ill run out of things people can take from me then it wont matter. i dont mean to be down its just how it seems. i cant cope with confrontation or conflict i stress up. i think maybe staying in the house is better for me. i dread it when the mental health lot suggest group work or such things,there is no way im doing that.some things would cause me to just not attend the pdocs any more the stress is too much. when your shy you can end up hiding behind a tough persona which can get you through day to day but it cant hide the fear.

i have often wondered if part of my problem has to do with my shyness. i ponder whether my actions are to force me to deal with situations i dint want to deal with. i think with the bipolar this has caused difficult times but some of it for the good.the bad bits are worrying as they go beyond normal control and trying to work out the cause is complicated.its easy for me to trip out into false confidence mode,tons of caffeine and im away but its a get out and reality becomes blurred. i dont want that anymore i want to be the real me with no stimulation. maybe you have to get to the point of suicide ect to decide what is important. the last company i worked for was a corporate giant and i hated the corporate ways but one of the directors once told me one of the secrets of success was to have what you need not what you want. for me that translated into sorting the real problems not covering them up with lies. it wasnt the idea he had but it seems to work for me. one of the problems with my bipolar/moods/personality shifts is that i cannot seem to find the middle ground,im either to scared to say anything or im over the top and acting like i know everything. the problem when you go hyper and over confident is you can do anything and every one is no good and just in your way.it would be ok if what you did was rational but you tend to see things through your own eyes only and twist things to suit yourself.
ive often wondered if this was partially to do with having gender issues and not being able to approach them. now ive started and all my docs know im trans gender i feel a bit more relieved. what i dont want is the bipolar to screw it up. please be aware that the term trans gender has a stereotype about it but i am a butch female and im not bending that just to please people. its back to the what you need as apposed to what you want. id be stupid to think i could be a cat walk model and i dont feel that way. just because i am more happy mending my car or looking at steam engines doesnt mean many less female than the next woman. i am stuck with some of the body features and i am not going to try to alter them greatly as it may cause more harm than good. i need the gender surgery then if theres any arguments i have the upper hand as to my gender. you have to be who you are then you can find peace.

when i was down big time and i considered suicide i did some home work and found the best,least troublesome way. i never fancied the jumping of a bridge sort of thing as i didnt want the thought that this is going to hurt if it doesnt work. when i talked to the pdoc and quietly explained i had been seriously thinking about it and explained how i was suprised that they seemed a bit underwhelmed. i was put on a suicide intervention thing but nothing ever happened from their side. i think they were supposed to call me to see how i felt but that never happened.i told my gum nurse that i wouldnt make a big thing about it ,i didnt see the point just do it and be done. the mental health services are under staffed and overworked here in the uk so unless your running round naked with a lampshade on your head shouting im a search light they tend to leave you to yourself. seems most people threaten suicide because they have a reasonable reason. with me its just ive run out of things to do.im limited to what i can do and things like a relationship are gone. finding work will be hard and with nothing to work for other than to get up to go to work and eat i dont have much interest in it.ive lost all the people i thought were friends and its pretty lonely these days. im not unique theres thousands like me we just dont fit in anywhere. it seems any time i get upbeat someone shoots me down and i dont have the confidence to fight it. days like today when its cold and raining outside the only thing to do is write on here. i check my emails in case someone has decided to say hello but there never is that email these days. i have stopped pestering people as i realized they dont want to know.im dependant on state benefits and cant drive so stuck in the small village where i live and theres nothing at all to do here. im not depressed just facing up to my life. you get to the point where its easier to not have dreams then the pain is less when you realize they will never happen. i actually thought i would have to make sure someone knew i had gone as no one would miss me for some time and i wouldnt want to stink the place out. even things like i was hoping when the time came someone would just hold my hand as i passed away wont happen.i see the single old folk round here and i cant bear just waiting for that.now life is a bit surreal, i see the world around me and im not part of it.i had thoughts of dealing with the people i hate first and riding the world of some scum.to me it wouldnt matter i wouldnt be around after. when life gets down to survival level and some meals are just porridge because the money runs out then to climb up is impossible. people will say go for help but what can the pdocs do. drug you up that doesnt help it just delays reality.dat after day of realising this is probably as good as it gets but will usually go down hill a bit week by week. i go to bed early and get up late so the days arnt as long. i have realised the pdocs cant really do anything i dont have any support once ive left the hour i have with them. so i nod and agree whilst im their and sometimes kid myself i can improve but as soon as im on my way home i remember im going back to an empty house and an empty life and my heart sinks. my fear is i jump into a world of just not caring and see how much fun i can have regardless of who it affects. looking back at all the things ive tried to do to fit in and be a part of something and they all ended in failure. this bipolar has a lot to do with it but im stuck with it. i am tired of things i have to cope with. bipolar,hiv, blah blah blah. its the hope thats flickering and dieing.