i have often wondered if part of my problem has to do with my shyness. i ponder whether my actions are to force me to deal with situations i dint want to deal with. i think with the bipolar this has caused difficult times but some of it for the good.the bad bits are worrying as they go beyond normal control and trying to work out the cause is complicated.its easy for me to trip out into false confidence mode,tons of caffeine and im away but its a get out and reality becomes blurred. i dont want that anymore i want to be the real me with no stimulation. maybe you have to get to the point of suicide ect to decide what is important. the last company i worked for was a corporate giant and i hated the corporate ways but one of the directors once told me one of the secrets of success was to have what you need not what you want. for me that translated into sorting the real problems not covering them up with lies. it wasnt the idea he had but it seems to work for me. one of the problems with my bipolar/moods/personality shifts is that i cannot seem to find the middle ground,im either to scared to say anything or im over the top and acting like i know everything. the problem when you go hyper and over confident is you can do anything and every one is no good and just in your way.it would be ok if what you did was rational but you tend to see things through your own eyes only and twist things to suit yourself.
ive often wondered if this was partially to do with having gender issues and not being able to approach them. now ive started and all my docs know im trans gender i feel a bit more relieved. what i dont want is the bipolar to screw it up. please be aware that the term trans gender has a stereotype about it but i am a butch female and im not bending that just to please people. its back to the what you need as apposed to what you want. id be stupid to think i could be a cat walk model and i dont feel that way. just because i am more happy mending my car or looking at steam engines doesnt mean many less female than the next woman. i am stuck with some of the body features and i am not going to try to alter them greatly as it may cause more harm than good. i need the gender surgery then if theres any arguments i have the upper hand as to my gender. you have to be who you are then you can find peace.