well xmas is coming and the time of year that people forget you exist. they dont want someone different around. i get all the excuses then the guilt offer after xmas. ive got used to it and have got used to spending Christmas alone. this year ive beaten them all to it and said im busy with pre arranged things. now im looking forward to having a christmas as more myself and maybe next year one with new friends as a transitioning transgender. even if i cant get that far i wont go back to how i was hiding away behind a front. i know that just fails after a while and every thing else follows it. i feel better lately but i dont know if im right.i would hope the pdocs would say if its bad, i do get the feeling somethings not right. perhaps they are just waiting for something to change. its horrible when they dont give you a clear indication of how you are. i feel like i could kick this current me into touch and just rebel back to how i was, that cant be right. the other thing is if im not right how not right am i. what do i do in the future. i seem to be taking some things too lightly. i surrendered my lenience some months ago but i just got a letter saying i can drive if i meet the medical standard. ive given the letter to my doc but its been a few days and he hasnt got back to me yet.id like to drive again but ive sort of got a feeling i dont care if he says no. just another thing taken from me.eventually ill run out of things people can take from me then it wont matter. i dont mean to be down its just how it seems. i cant cope with confrontation or conflict i stress up. i think maybe staying in the house is better for me. i dread it when the mental health lot suggest group work or such things,there is no way im doing that.some things would cause me to just not attend the pdocs any more the stress is too much. when your shy you can end up hiding behind a tough persona which can get you through day to day but it cant hide the fear.