when you realize that the good times in life were just a bipolar illusion it knocks you back. my pdoc said new year new start the trouble is i never had the first start. they say a lot of the stabilization is the work you do yourself. they suggest groups and local charity's but for me thats no good. id have to put on a false smile,id hate it. the damage is done and a hour meeting at a group wont mend it.i have had so many people dump me or ignore me i dont want to trust any one i want to keep everyone at arms length.
i used to be 2 people a hyper one and a depressed one now im a nobody. the people who try to help by telling you to think positive and get out there dont have to suffer the hurt when it doesnt work. if you try to find someone to talk to about the real situation no one wants to know.im left in a world i dont like. the voice in my head says your passed help what are you trying to do. my thoughts are scrambled. ive got used to saying what people want to hear because they dont want to hear what i have to say. they talk from text books and really dont care its all an act.they dont know how to handle real problems. its just a job for them but its real life for me. what i thought was going to be help has turned out to be just a process with no answers. most places i have been to just try to pass you to another department as they say they dont deal with my problems. one last hyper trip seems like a good idea,at least i wont remember what i do.

Alone with Bipolar Disorder

And I think it’s because, in the end, it’s just you and your bipolar disorder. In the dark of night, when you’re home alone, flipping through channels on the TV set, it’s just your bipolar keeping your company. It’s because after all those supportive people go home and the support groups are over, there’s still just you – alone with your bipolar disorder.

And this is a very lonely place to be.

Battling Bipolar Alone

It feels like you’re battling a powerful foe, alone. Of course, there are psychiatrists, therapists and other supports helping you, but they aren’t there 24 hours a day – only you are. They aren’t there when you wake up in the middle of the night having a panic attack. They aren’t there when the mania starts to come on and you lose control of your judgement. They aren’t there when the feelings of suicidality are unbearable.

Aren’t We All Alone?

And it’s true, everyone is alone with themselves every day. The difference is, when you have bipolar disorder, you have a constant voice in your head trying to kill you. You’re not just alone with your thoughts – you’re alone with disordered, and yes, crazy, bipolar thoughts. You aren’t just scared of what the monster under the bed will do to you; you’re scared of what an illness might actually make you do to yourself.

Loneliness and Bipolar

I find this aspect of bipolar making me extremely lonely. No matter how much I explain to people and try to make them understand they don’t get the unending battle. They don’t get the 24/7 nature of it. They just don’t get what it’s like to have a loud, unending, relentless, torturous voice in your head all the time. They don’t understand that there are no breaks. They don’t understand that mental illness doesn’t relent. They don’t understand how much I have to be on guard.

The loneliness is glaciating.

thats how i feel alone.. i didnt write this i copied it from the web but it made me feel just how i am.
now i seem to spend most of my time either watching myself or sat wondering whats left in life.i havnt worked in 3 years and i dont think i can face it.i forget things and if i get stressed my brain shuts down. i have tried to do a couple of jobs for a day in a workshop but i found myself just staring at what i was doing scared i didnt know if i had got it right. people are busy,they have lives and work to get on with, finding time to humor me is not possible for them. the therapists and counselors all say to get a hobby or get out to see people but after the half hour with them has gone they dont see the problem with concentrating making a hobby hard,the mood wing that makes you throw a hobby away,the moods that alienate you from people,the tiredness that saps your remaining energy and hope. i have trouble with thoughts and feelings on top. people see you as lazy scroungers and making a do about nothing. thy wonder why i hate people. every good time ive had both with jobs and feelings has crashed,every single one.people just get tired with you,they dont understand you just cant crack out of it.im not in self pity im just tired. tired of waiting for the next inevitable crash,for the next mood swing that makes me isolated again. its getting hard putting on a brave face, i have tricks for awkward times,2 tins of redbull makes me hyper enough for most.it wears off but gets me through what im scared of. sad life when it takes stimulants to forget things. so when i get suicidal its not always the moods or meds its so i can have some peace. to lay in a grave and listen to the silence no more voices,no more embarrassment,no more having to explain.

i seem to have the ability to stop a conversation or just be ignored. im on a transgender site but any forum subjects i post a reply to seem to stop. others just act like i never said anything. nothing new ive never fitted in anywhere and always ended up isolated.its probably why i dont care about people.my so called friends used to do it,i was mr popular when they wanted something but if they had a party or something i was forgotten. i kept trying to fit in but no one wanted to know. now if i saw one of them run over by a car id laugh and walk away.ive said it before when i had hep c treatment the last few turned their backs on me despite all i had done for them. ill have the last laugh on all of them. i was hurt until i became numb.even when they turned their backs i tried to be nice but they just turned their noses up.they in my mind have no worth on this planet. to hurt someone like that without even a smidgin of friendship brings on bad feelings for them. it must be me i just dont make friends. perhaps you have to be a back stabbing evil sort of person so they see you as like them.

i had an experiment yesterday evening. my transgender issues are important to me i seem to have found a bit of me that is real.but like all good things have my doubts,i cant help it so much in life has turned out to be not real. i have recently been not good mentally lately and wanted to see how i felt if i went to the sauna. i had had thoughts of just giving in and going back to how i was thinking this is all just like before and it will turn out to be another dream. i went with the intention of enjoying myself and really giving everything up. i went and sat in the steam room,i really love it its so relaxing,and started to think. after i went for a walk round the place and looked at the people in there. i started remembering how i felt when i fell apart and just felt like i was in the wrong place. i went and sat back in the steam room and thought of all id been through to get where i am and it just reinforced my gender feelings. i went home without doing anything.i had a feeling when i saw a naked guy but it was female feelings.when i got home i was so glad id been and come away knowing it ment more to me than backing out. i didnt just choose a time when i thought hey ill come out today as female, it fought its way out and i tried to deneigh it for some time. i dont know if i can cope with it,i dont have an off button and if i go back to hiding it again ill just end up back at square one.after i got over the worst of my breakdown i started thinking and the first thoughts were this is just what i need,life has fallen apart,im sick of my mood and personality changes along with nasty thoughts and now i have to work this out. it has solved some of my problems and im happy i may have found a real bit of me,i do feel happier. knowing your body is wrong actually releaves certain things but introduces new ones.i have not one problem with now kicking of the false male traits but im not leaping into copying most other trans women. im not doing it just to fit in and appear as people expect from stereotypes. its hard to explain but at the moment i have a great body dysphoria which i have to try to work in with the fact im 6"2 and male looking.i have no illusions im going to be a cat walk model,i need to see how i can make it work.im still not right mentally and i could ruin this if i loose control.doesnt mean it goes away but it may drive me to the end. some voice in my head is saying to pack it in let me out and lets go have fun like we used to.dont bother about the people theyd only hurt you anyway. god i dont know anymore,part of me is telling people what they want to here so i can try to work out on my own if anything is real.i get bad mind situations where it overwhelms me. theres time i cant remember, i havnt a clue what id done.in my last job then called me Jekyll and Hyde, one guy said one day i wish i knew what went on in your head. id have a good run of months,or so i thought then think what am i doing here, ive tripped out into ruling the world and now i dont know what ive said or done to anyone.
recently ive been trying to cope.the mood stabalizer have given me a bad time on each dose rise which after 4 months has worn me down. the last one was nearly the last,even the police were called i must have been bad enough.i went to hospital after for a drugs test but couldnt cope with being there.they threatened to inform the police if i left and all i could think was if you try to stop me your going to hurt big time.i cant stand stress anymore there are time i dont want to go to mental health so i use red bull to perk up and be smiley. ive always had to look after my self and its a hard thing to shake.trouble was looking after myself was usually a disaster.the more this goes on the less i care.i take my meds and pray.ive always reserved leaving this planet if it turns out bad but im scared of what i may do on the way out.

i hope a calm period is here. i just need a rest.i preferred life as it used to be,with long bits you cant remember.