I know I'm not supposed to post about political stuff but i was thinking that since this is my blog there was an acception. I don't know, delete this post or give me a warning if i did anything wrong I just have this song stuck in my head.

now I'm not a communist by any stretch of the imagination but there was this one song that i just can't get out of my head called "Without The Communist Party, There Would Be No New China" and the medley is just stuck in my head now some college in Beijing made an English version (with the CCP's approval of coarse) that sounds terrible because they tried to take words that would sound good in the English translation of the song, but lets just say they fell very short


Chinese version:

https://youtu.be/VFg7VdffcKU

English version:

https://youtu.be/3-zPzi85Hxs

Most peopl people on the ocd forum don't seem to find me attractive (if it's sexual ocd) when I go on to the paraphilias forum there are people who have latent attractions, that seems to be the ONE difference between me and an ocd sufferer. Would I actually have to live my life finding men attractive? Why did it have to come now? The only thing unwanted is my attraction to men and the fact that I don't know what Iwant just sucks. But men are just so hot. A person in sexuality forum suggests a website called nocd which has licensed therapists who specializes in ocd but I'm afraid I really kind of prefer the uncertainty and If I got it confirmed by a professional than it could send me into an imense state of depression I also find women disgusting somewhat, I hate this I just want my old life back. I don't have a feared possiblity of something I just feel depressed because I'm like well great what do things gotta be like this life sucks

I don't know what I want anymore I kind of find women attractive but I also find men attractive it's like I've practically lost my physical attraction to women but not my sexual attraction and I've gained a physical attraction to men but I don't think I could have sex with him the the jury is still out on that one. I just don't know what I want anymore I want my old self back so bad I try not to obsesse over the past because it gives me false hope but it just sucks I don't see how it's possible in the future for me to go back to exclusively liking women but hey I gained an attraction to men so maybe it's possible, I just feel so depressed which makes sense because I lost something about my self (so the greiving process?) It's like when I see an attractive woman occasionally I also see an attractive man and it's like what do I want I'm just not sure and in many cases that attraction to women is just not existent or only somewhat there it's like when a person talks about an attractive woman it doesn't feel like I can relate to that because I can't it's gone beyond being thoughts to being physical and I hate it I'm just ######6 depressed I just want one thing but than physically I don't

I wish my attraction to women was as strong as it was before and masterbating to men and and not liking women just makes my depression deepen I'd be much much much more comfortable with bisexuality if my attraction to women was as strong as it was before God damn this sucks

I kind of wonder I do have ocd as well because when I check I always check to see if I'm still attracted to and when I try to masterbate to a guy I don't stop because i find it disgusting (I don't know whether I do or not) I stop because that just means more and more that it's true and I'd rather masterbate to women, maybe that's why I put an emphasis on my depression in my last post on this 5 page long thread that I've written on but than agian there was this guy on the end of my street who was pretty attractive so who knows maybe it is ocd but it's morphed into another form, who knows