So this is why I think I do have ocd to some extent these days when I check I check to see if I'm Still attracted to men, sometimes the attraction is strong or weak though it depends but point being is that I still tend to check, really i hope that it will disappear, funny enough when my attraction to men is weak and my attraction to women is stronger (which isn't to the extent that it was 5 months ago) I feel somewhat happy, but than it's followed by depression because at the end of the day it's temporary and my attraction to men will be stronger at some point (and that always panes out) but than my attraction to women will be stronger again at some point, I don't know it tends to fluctuate.

I'm afraid to look at men, so I was on Reddit earlier and I went to a nude section and the men where hot perticularly there bodies and butts I can't figure out whether I want to go back or not, I'm afraid to go back but I don't know if...if, I've lost my train of thought (I'm trying to lay out my thoughts in text format if that makes sense). I can't figure out if I want, want to. One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to go back because they are attractive (I might of said something oxi-moronic). And (even though I've mentioned this numerous times) I envy people who are straight why just why I don't get it why me why could this be beastiality why does it have to be this sexuality that's been inverted. huuugh

So a person who's posted on a thread that I started a long time ago turned me toward a website/app called NOCD and there's therapist who specialize in ocd therapy, I've been on the verge of talking to one of them but this just doesn't seem like ocd I've talked about this before but i don't fear anything and it has nothing to do with thoughts it has to do with the fact that I find men very attractive I just want to to go away so I can go back to my normal life but it's not just that I've masterbaited to men and some times (though it depends) I can have a better time getting off to men than women and vice versa, I also find women's butts disgusting which sucks kissing a woman doesn't seem like something enjoyable I've read a study that said it's less likely for mens sexuality to change and that heterosexual males have less than a percent to change well I seem like that percent. I don't exactly dread the idea of finding men attractive (because I already do) I just hate it and want it to go away. I wonder if this is nature's way of ridding me from the gene pool honestly I think it's won I can't imagine living my life in this state I used to cringe at the idea of finding men attractive I can't enjoy anything thing and I fantasies about my past and how I felt I just want to die but there's still this small part of me that hopes it will change and go back to normal.

Do I seriously have to sit there and find men attractive for the rest of my life. This is literally the closest thing hell I've ever experienced I think war would be worse though I might be hyperbolic

I watched something about eugenics earlier and I thought that about it for a bit and was thinking I've always disliked evaluation, not because it isn't true but because I might not be able to have what I want. I guess my fear is genetic determinism, I'm a lazy person I hate that I'm lazy, I want nice things in my life but I'm afraid that I can't do because any attempt made by me to be less lazy always ends up sending me into bad habits of just sitting there and doing nothing. So is it possible for me to change? Who knows, I don't know but evolution is just a sad inconvenient truth.

So my problem that I'm struggling with has nothing to do with thoughts what it has to do with Is attraction, what I want is for this imense attraction to men to disappear, do I think it will ever happen, no but that's what I want. It's really sad to think that this attraction had to come up like this, if only it was different, but hey I can dream of it disappearing, I wonder how to cope with it, who knows