I get anxiety because I don't like how the thoughts about men make me feel, they feel good in some way, but I don't want them to. But when I get the same sexual thoughts about women I feel happy. It all seems to be mindset. I'm afraid to let go because I think there's is a possibility I could do something with a guy and the physical attraction combined with the fact the I can conjure up certain fantasies(for lack of a better word)about men makes it possible in some way.

It's like a roller coaster or a plane they both seem terrifying but I won't know until I try right? I'm just afraid to try. I wish I wasn't afraid. I hate how these thoughts make me feel, I want my old self back. I hate how attractive men are. That's why I don't like being around good looking men. I don't fear the possibility of finding them attractive. I don't like that I can find them attractive. I wish I could kill all attractive men. (JK)