im exhausted after the last few days.finally stopped the tooth hurting. when i read the posts and the blog i think what sort of state was i in. ive a lot of hate and suspicion in mei know and my attitude can go off at a tangent. i wrote an email to my gum nurse ,he is a good guy, part of it saying ive died inside. even if the mood just goes like im a spoilt child i can do enough damage. when the mood goes really down it a real battle to not let it go the full length. they dont see that i suffer it alone. i try to bounce back but lately and with so many of these episodes i wonder why. what i miss is just some one emailing or calling to say hey you ok or you need to talk but i must have become such a pain that no one wants to bother. when i did the hepatitus treatment i looked so bad and had hardley any energy that every one distanced me. during that i hoped just someone would have called in to say come on lets go for a coffee in the village. i didnt want then to have to look after me but nothing. i emailed a few people but id get one reply which id reply to then nothing. its never changed since then it seems to have stuck with me. now i wonder why i go on. i want to go back to work but i dont want the interview where i have to explain whats gone on and i dont want to work with people who will just dig to find out why. the moment they do ill be back to being isolated.people look after themselves and dont want to be bothered with wierd people. when i go out im nice to people but i distance my self from them i cant stand any stress. i welcome the help ive had from the doctors they have been great but they all would prefer i go away as when in a mood i can insult and generally ruin every thing. my gum nurse is the only one who understands but its not his clinics problem. i dont have anywhere i can just unload my problems when im down. it does drive you suicidal.then its not a cry for help as in if you dont do something ill do it, its a way out from the same old thing. i battle not to but recently i wonder what im battling for. the last time i got close to to let it take its course and ill be out of everybody's hair.i darent try to make freinds now i just just live in fear they find out then push me away. some time i told the last friend i had left i was hiv thinking he would be ok with it. he has family and grandchildern ect and backed away like every one else. ive known him 30 years but that didnt mean a thing. even the hiv charity who were helping me with my health forms and stuff have stopped being in contact. if you just have one problem people may help but if you have 2 or 3 they dont want to know its too much for them. now im numb to things like that. its nice while they bother but it doesnt surprise me when they stop.soon ill give up trying to change i know it. what happens then i dont know. before its been self destruct mode ect. i dont know if i want to wait for that.

Had you thought about PMing with cumulusjames here on the board? He's going through different stuff to you. But having a similarly hard time with life in general. And maybe that's a way to have someone to dump on from time to time. Where they can dump on you back. Rather than it being an imbalance in who can share what.

Just a random idea. Might be a crap one.