i want to change my antipsychotic. the one im on seems to play hell with my mood and anxiety.i end up crying and stressed to death and i dont know why. i know its the antipsyc as when off it i dont get like this. its driving me to suicide i cant stand much more of it. i have a week to wait to see my doc and i think i can survive till then. i hope he agrees to change it otherwise ill just have to stop it. i dont understand why i get such a reaction to it its odd. my mood stabilizer isnt as effective as it was but the doc wont change 2 meds at once.life has been really down recently,im smoking way too much and intend to stop before my lungs give in. sleep is wierd i sleep 2/3 hours then wake up and need to walk arounfd before i can sleep again but its not a deep sleep more a waking snooze. i dont like the way life has turned out i have screwed my life and cant get it back on track so many things are wrong.the voice pesters me it wont go away.i ignore it but it keeps coming back.i know its wrong in what it says but it repeats and repeats. what is wrong with me. i cant get any interest in anything or get any focus on anything.the meds i had when sectioned worked well but i couldnt have the dose when released as had to be under supervision when on them.i miss them. its beennearly 2 years since i was sectioned but it seems like yesterday i dont know where the months have gone. life is becoming a blur. mental health seem to have decided im best left with minimal intervention but i fear im slipping further and further into mental numbness. i wonder what life would be like if i stopped all meds and see if i returned to how i was. i dont think i could stand the hyper times both mentaly and phsyically again and dont really want to go there but there are days it seemed better than now. it wasnt it got me into a lot of trouble which will be with me for life.i had a chemical castration injection again as i was drifting back to old ways and i cant risk that. its horrible really but best of a bad deal.feel dehumanized.cant get rid of the feeling everyones watching me and the cctv cameras follow me,i know they are. big brother watching me waiting for me to mess up.yesterday i hit a low i was suicidal again,really suicidal and it hasnt completely gone away.maybe it is time to go i dont see a place for me in this world. i hate these feelings life is so low,anything i try is ending in disaster these days,nothing works and ive lost confidence in myself.i make so many mistakes and bad judgments i dont know what to do anymore.all in all life is crap really crap and im fed up.the days disappear and all i want t o do is sleep the day away.wish there was one pill u could take and go to sleep and just fade away quietly.so down.im sad