now i know im alone. the last 2 people i thought were friends had gone quiet on me then suddenly emailed me but only to dig for their curiosity. they both were asking odd questions and not acting as you would think a friend should.when i replied to them the didnt reply back.they arnt friends they are just faining it to satisfy their own needs.now i have to watch my back with everyone.i dont know whoes telling who what.i stay away from all the medical people now they are not good for me.i dont have a problem its the rest of the world thats ###$ up.i dont know where half of this year has gone it seems to have dissapeared.what i need is a jelly babby they cure everything.i still cant work out the logic behind mental health services. they said i had borderline personality dissorder and the only treatment that may make me more stable and help was cbt type stuff.so they put me forward for it but i got refused as i was too unstable.so i cant have the treatment that may make me more stable because im unstable.ok let me put it his way,if i was ######6 stable i wouldnt need the treatment to help me stop being unstable.all i get is a mood stabilizer which when the dose is higher does help as it dumbs me down but it also can make me more suicidal so they wont let me have a bigger dose.for the last 4/5 months i have been on a larger dose as i had oodles of spare tablets from when they were messing about with doses.ok so ive been suicidal but not acted on it that i know of and it seemed to dope me down where i could still function but be ok.i will admit i have slept a lot of the time during the day but with things that have been going on i needed to do something.the doc would go mental if he knew but bollocks to him as he explained to me the condition itself is untreatable in the main so theres not a lot we can do day to day but if it gets bad then we can step in.oh great i have to hope i can recognize if things are going pearshaped and then hope i can work out what to do.thats never happened in the past its usually normallity ,blured,la la land then wait for reality to catch back up and see if i can work out wats happened whilst ive been away. now ive run out of spare tablets and the normall dose doesnt seem to have the same effect as it did.the dam gp keeps going on about insight and i keep telling him that a lot of what ive worked out is aftersight not insight at the time.i have to remember he is only a gp and not a mental health doc. hes fine for treating a rash or a bee sting but him playing at being a psyc doc is not good.so i ignore him now.my mind isnt very good at the moment i know im struggleing.i have starnge thoughts and the feeling that soon it isnt going to end well in a really bad way.hope it snows soon then i can build a snowman.you might not belive it but snowmen are real its just that there not here long so you dont get too know them.