had a couple of tines of energy drink today so im on a little high. had a bad time recently and i just wanted a good day. it wears off but its nice for a time. hopefully i change my tablets i take for castration to a 3 monthly injection. i should call it hormone treatment really as that is what it is. i am coming to terms with being transgender,as ive said it came out with a bang and took some time to believe it wasnt just a fantasy. with the moods ect over the years ive come to expect that such things are just part of a hyper mood and will crash.this is so completely different.last weekend i got frantic and angry when i was told my consultant had said he saw no reason for it. i flipped and ended up on diazepam to calm me down.in the past i had a lot of trouble with visiting saunas but kicked it when i fell apart. 4 weeks or so ago i went on a Saturday night. i didnt go for the old reasons i wanted some company and to talk to guys i about things you just cant talk about with a consultant or a counselor. i wanted to lay in the steam room and think i just wanted to try to sort a bit of my head out. i slipped up later in the evening after i was talking to a guy i sort of knew who is bi sexual and after talking for an hour or so i had sex with him.wasnt much he just wanted to orgasm. shortly after i went home upset id done it. because of my moods and med changes i had been missing the odd doses of my castration drug and i thought i may be slipping because of that. when i started the treatment there was the option to go onto the injection if i needed it so i rang the consultant dealing with it and he ok it. my gp was fine with it and talked to the consultant dealing with it. the process was put in motion but my gp is not fast as such things. i waited patiently but a couple of weeks ago i went to the sauna ,this time sex was a definite no no, i wanted to talk to a guy i know who works there,he has talked to be straight from the beginning. i love the steam room i find it so relaxing i can think about things. i went mid week and the place is empty.i found myself questioning why i had gone back there again,i knew why but i couldnt help the doubt it was down to missing doses. i was getting anxious to start the injection,one shot and three months castration.when i was told by the surgery my mental health consultant had snubbed the idea i lost it. i ended up using the crisis team and diazepam over the weekend to keep me calm.i emailed the mental health consultant saying things like stay away from me or i wont be responsible,i cant trust you it was the mother of rants.i told him he had doomed my by stopping it it was a full blow out. i was hit hard by the fact something i had put in place in the first place and stuck at,realized i may be faltering and done something about it was stopped by a guy who didnt know the full story.it was not a mood swing it was rage and anger. i was told after i had been given some misread information,strange that i inquired twice and 2 different people quoted the same thing from my record but my gp insisted it was misread and mis quoted. too late for me i had alread been in a bad way for 4 days. he was away sick so i went to see the locum gp and she said she would bring me off the mood stabilizer,arranged the reduction dose and gave me prescriptions for the meds. she rang mental health and was very annoyed that when she found out my case worker was on leave there was no one dealing with me and no one in the place could enter details on my file. anyway that afternoon my gp rand and cancelled the reduction and said stay on the dose your on. following day i got a letter saying my appointment with the consultant had been cancelled and a new appointment with a different psychiatrist had been brought forward,its next week. my gum nurse had rung mentasl health and they told him they are looking at a new diagnosis. so looks like im not popular with them.either they will say nothing wrong you are discharged or they will...

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stopped all my meds and given up on any hope of a future. nature can take its course. when you realize that the people that are supposed to help are just going through motions and they wish they could be spending time on something else then its time to give up. they will leap at the chance to stop seeing me,its the way they are. thats fine ,i want to see their faces when theres not a dam thing they can do as i get back to how i was. they know what will happen and it will frustrate the hell out of the consultant that he cant do a dam thing about it. hes a lieing two faced person anyway so he deserves all he gets. my only joy in life now will be to rub it in his face any opportunity i get. i know he referred me to the gender clinic to see me fail but im always one step ahead of him. after he referred me there was no more mention of it not even a 5 minute chat and i soon worked out what he was doing. now ive woken up and realized the only way to go ill make sure i have the last laugh over him.

had enough of counselors. they spout a load of obvious things then expect that will make you skip and dance all the way home. you get 1/2 to 1 hour and that will change your life. they dont see the other 23 hours you spend alone and the next 24/7 until you see them again. then they ask how you have been.what they expect to hear is fabulous thet 1/2 hour talk worked like magic and im a new person,im going to do missionary work and give all my money to charity. the truth is your mood still rules your life. when you think your getting a little control of it it turns round and bites you.
im really tired of trying.feel like i have to just smile when i attend when all i want to do is go home.looking forward to a new day has dissapeared,i dread them instead. im just one of life's failures i dont know what im trying to achieve anymore. im sick of the happy do gooders who think them being positive will magically make you better when all you can think of is going to sleep permanently. all you want them to do is stop talking tripe and talk to you normally. they cant they are not allowed to. if you say anything like you want to jump off a bridge then tell every organisation they can think of,instead of finding out why. they only have 1/2 window to see you so cant get involved. i hate seeing them looking at their watches it makes you feel they are just passing time until they can kick you out.
how can you tell someone like that how your condition is killing you and the last thing you need is goal charts and group painting. i thought these places were serious places for help but you dont get proper counseling you get 1/2 hour of wasted time. no one wants to know people with mental health moods swings they want to deal with druggies and alcoholics as they are easier. im tired of seeking help that isnt there,the best i get is mood stabilizers and go home and see if it changes. no counseling as to why or how you feel, they just arnt interested. with my moods over the years you learn to lie both to get things when your manic and to cover up when your breaking out of depression. the bipolar can make you the most convincing person on the planet. there is an ols saying of dont con a con man. i can tell when im been lied to or conned but they think they are good at it. they forget what they have said which is one of the problems with liers. for all my bad faults one thing i can do is remember exactly what people say. the look on their faces when you confront them says it all,unless your very practiced at it your face shows the guilt. im supposed to trust these people, what a joke, they wonder why my interest in life is slipping away. the people you go to for help lie to you and fake interest as its just a job.my case worker never bothered,she never rang when she said she would and yet she reported back to the consultant on my ongoing state. she made it up.i complained a couple of weeks ago that i didnt know what she was supposed to do as if it was monitor my ongoing moods and state then how could she as i never herd from her. suddenly she is on the phone and wants to make an appointment for me to come in,oh what a suprize. its a joke,they dont care and only show a false interest if you kick up a stink. the last hope you can get help turns out to be a bunch of lairs and conmen. my brain is broken and theres nobody to help. when you come away from an appointment with them thinking nothing happened time after time it destroys your hope. knowing your mood can ruin anything youve done in a couple of days just drives you to not caring anymore.ive no friends who would listen,i just have to let it drive me down. people cant understand why you give in,they cant understand the hopelessness.they cant understand you live with it 24/7 and cant just snap out of it.i try to put a pleasant face on but inside ive died.attempted suicide for most is a cry for help. im done crying for help,there is none.

went to the drugs counseling today and got wound up. ive been clean 9 months but they have put me with a councilor who is supposed to keep you on the right path. he suggested a group session with other people who have similar past. i asked how many bipolar transgender hiv there were and he took it a bad way. i told him i stopped drugs because i wanted to so attending a group with people who are struggling was not helpful. but the most important thing was i told him i dont do groups. its not a maybe thing there is nothing on this earth will make me attend one. i told him but he kept on trying to pursued me. i told him one last time to stop pressing it as he would cause me to walk away from everything. he seemed put off and cut the session short. i didnt go there for drugs support i had already stopped it was because mental health wanted me drugs tested. he has alienated himself towards me in that he couldnt see i went very serious but yet he carried on.im glad he stopped the session i was ready to walk out or throw him out the window.i told him the truth that if i used drugs again then him or the whole of his team wouldnt stop me i will be on self destruct mode and wont talk to them.
im re thinking the help ive got and wondering if its helping or im just scared of what they will do if i dont attend. i dont know if i will see him again i dont think we are on the same wave length and now i dont like him.my problems are not what they deal with. i have no ongoing drug issues and now they have said they cant see a reason for further drug testing i dont see any point going. havnt been this upset in a long time it really hit a nerve.

I have to get back to some form of work. it fills me with dread and fear. in the past i fully disclosed my health state when applying for jobs and i got no replies. now i cant do what i used to,i havnt got the energy,concentration or interest. now im also faced with whether to disclose my transgender status. i cant face disclosing things again so that means lieing in simple terms. oh joy and fun a time of living in fear of being rumbled.the other choice is to give up the mood stabilizers and the castration drugs to get some energy back and pray a hyper episode comes on so i can not remember how much i go off center.
i think the time of hoping i really could change has come to an end. i cant stand stress or conflict i never could, just if i was hyper it would seem a bit less bother. what i have been through the last few years has hurt me,i have tried to get over it but its just eaten deeper. admitting to myself i am trans gender and the way it came out hasnt done me much good. i can try to bury it again but now i know i dont think that will work. to carry on with it will make me look a fool and i couldnt handle that. im just a nobody that has reached the end of a road. i see a mental health worker but i cant tell her my feelings, i dont feel comfortable there. what are they going to do anyway. im not one for jumping off bridges i far prefer letting the moods and the bad side of me take me hyper so i can burn out once and for all. ive had enough failures in my life and there comes a time to say enough is enough. ive lost the will to try much more. i dislike most people and i dont want to be part of a group or workforce team or anything like that. i see a drugs counselor who keeps going on about recovery groups and social groups and he doesnt listen when i say im not interested,i dont want to be in a group of people i dont know or trust and have them quiz e as to why im there. its never going to happen.i go because mental health insist on been drugs tested but why the try to give me drugs rehabilitation when i havnt touched drugs for 9 months is beyond me. i just humor them what else can i do.its actually getting annoying now i wish they would just do the drugs test and then let me go home.i have zero interest in the rest of the rubbish they go on about. if i was to hit drugs again neither they or anyone else could do a thing about it as it would be burn out time. i have no intention to touch drugs but if i let the final hyper episode kick in all bets are off i wont be coming back.
i should be more positive about work but to be honest somebody telling me what to do, the first time its nasty they are going to hurt a lot.too many people have hurt me in the past when ive tried to be good and the next will suffer.