tomorrow i see my crisis team. i have had a horrible mood shift where i will cancel everything,say im never coming back ect ect ect. i really want the help im getting but i cant control this stupid reaction. clinics have a duty to release you if you ask but im not asking in a rational state when i do.i calm down in a day or so but im just going to get kicked out permanently. im going to asl/beg if there is any way they can stop me just leaving. if they can section me for treatment just do something please just do something. if its no then its suicide for me i have had enough of myself. i go for help then rapid mood and kick off. its dragged me down so much i have no fight left.

im hoping there is a light after death. be a bugger if there isnt.

i have lost interest in Councillors trying to tell me theres someting left. after an hour with them i still have to go home to my problems.there is a time to stop dreaming and a time to climb off the roller coaster trying to get interest in anything you know will fail or just get forgoteen about takes energy i no longer have,
at least i will leave the world smiling like i always said i would

ive been plodding on but my heart is not in it. i have nobody and dont want anybody. i keep thinking things are ok but they arent.i dont like the world,ive never fitted in. i remember why i was taking drugs and slowly killing myself. i was another person and i wish he would take over again. my head wont keep quiet all i see is destruction.

my pdoc doesnt remember the first time i met him.it was the first time his department lied to me having dropped themselves in it. i had had a right runaround from them having to see someone every 6 weeks but it been a new person who had to reask the same questions as the last as i was new to them so i never had more than 5 mins left to say anything. they then rang up 1 hour before my appointment and cancelled it. gave them another 6 weeks to play with. i questioned it and got a repeat appointment 4 weeks later. they rang and cancelled that as i was on my way to the appointment saying the doctor was ill and had to go home. they forgott to say they would arrange another appointment so the next day i rang and told the secretary only i had had my appointment cancelled. her reply was oh yes we were so overbooked yesterday we had to stop some of the appointments. i told her i had been told the doc was ill and had to go home. she ummed and ahhhd and didnt know what to say.so i just said yourt department just basically lies as it wants. i saw my gum consultant the next day and told her how can i trust a department that just acts as it feels and lieing is ok. she must have rung the mental health consultant the same day as magically i got an appointment with him late that afternoon. he had already been given some info from the gum consultant but he miss under stood it and when i met with him within 10 mins he was writing a prescription.it was anti psychotic meds which i didnt know until i got home and googled it. i rand my gum consultant in the morning and asked if i should take them purely as i didnt know if they would interact with my hiv meds. she told me not to take them until she had checked and he shouldnt have prescribed them without checking. in between her checking and getting back to me the mental health consultant rang me and said he had been thinking and was concerned that there may be legal reasons i might be brought in. i told him he should have thought about that yesterday and he could stick his meds where the sun doesnt shine as he had risked my health by not checking any interactions then put the phone down. he never got back to me but i do know he had a heated discussion with the gum consultant. so his department lied openly to me and he made a diagnosis then backed out. this time when i met him and his department they were still up to lieing and this time it included him which when i challenged him he side tracked it. he has forgotten the first time we met as they lost a lot of records when they moved location and there was 2 years in between. i remember,i remember well.i dont like people who are supposed to be helping then lie. and to do it twice puts them on the bad list. i dont trust him as far as i can throw him. he would like me away from mental health but i wont give him reason. one day he will learn the cost of lieing. every dog has his day.
there are some people in this world have no value to me and he has gone on the list.he is playing mind games but he is not very good at it. i have cyclothymia or bipolar or whatever they think this week and has spent half my life in a fantasy land where lieing is normal. theres the old saying of never con a con man. hes trying but it shows on his face.