think im going to stop these blogs im saying too much.you can think its all #######4 or real who will ever know.im not stupid enough to leave it as a record without a disclaimer that its all make believe. the pdoc tried to see if they could lock me up and he wasnt good enough for that so i wouldnt leave a real account of my life. now you ask yourself is that real or not. throw in an element of doubt and youve won the battle. i dont care what you think make your own minds up. a life time of moods swings and other mental health issues has made me able to confuse anybody.now maybe thats not true either. you could rite on here youve done xyz bad things and no one has a clue who you are or if they are true. only a fool would admit in a blog to crimes but then again you just claim its a story. for me i dont care better have tried and failed,i have a very good happy smiley face.

someone asked me why being hyper sexual was a problem so ill try and condense it for my situation. for much of my life i couldnt work out what my problem was so buried it and no real sex.along came internet and started gay sex but always felt female and wanted to have sex as such. bipolar kicked in more and sex drive went daft.more sex more wanting to be female but just couldnt. sex became a relief for feelings.sex got more and more intense. more sex more dysphoria about body and mind. drugs crept in to help switch off. the hyper sexuality wasnt just about gender it was also a problem as an addiction. there is a prt of me just wants to return to it,its a side that cares only about the sex and not about anyone else. im hiv so sex can be damaging to others the other side of me doesnt care.its a bad side i dont want to see again.it has far from normal sexual desires.if it ever took over again id either be locked up at some point or dead. if it does return it means ive given up and its time to not care. i was lucky i managed to get help and expose my transgender issues and the hyper sexuality. some may think it would be good sex all the time but its an addiction and it stops being fun,like a drug you try for bigger highs. if i dont transition with the gender issues i will still either take antiandrogen or have surgical castration.as long as i keep control and not the dark side of me then it should be ok.
if i can transition and have gender surgery i plan to be celebut but even if i found someone the sex side would have no dysphoria. the bipolar made things worse as when hyper the danger of adventurous sex gets worse and with bi polar you rule the world so again you dont care about anything. ive said before if i trip back to how i was i dont think id ever crack out of it. i run a fine line which is controlled by drugs but they dont kill all the feelings.when life is hard the other side of me nags all the time to take the easy road and enjoy myself. it would turn out to be not enjoyment its an addiction. when i was diagnosed as co infected with hiv and hep c i had real bad thoughts.i had nothing to loose there was no future. you work the rest out. now i think ive found a treatment and im glad ive exposed my gender feelings.i still struggle with those,im 6"2 and male looking. i know how i want to be. body wise female,ive confirmed that, but presentation wise you dont throw off years of hiding as a man. as long as i dont rush things and panic ending up using the sex as an escape again ill be ok.
the frightening thing is im on antiandrogens with very low testosterone level and i still have sex desires. its not hormonal drive its the dark side of the brain.im due to start an injectable antiandrogen very soon so i cant miss the dose and let my sex drive rise. i also think they are going to start estrogen which i hope will also keep the gremlins at bay.

my mood seems to have improved either that or im going hyper. its the trouble with bipolar you can never be sure. i have asked to go onto an injected antiandrogen that lasts 3 months at a time to make sure i have 100% compliance and cant mess it up if i have a bad mood swing. i welcome it as its one of the things that has settled my overall mood a lot. i know that if i didnt take them bad things would happen and i dont want to go back like that. i have said it before if i trip back to that state someone will have to lock me up. i think i know how i get but it has a life of its own and i dont care about anyone.anyway for now life has improved. i asked at first if i could have surgical castration and cure the testosterone problem for good but the pdoc suggested the 3 month injection. even if i dont transition for some reason i cannot let the sex drive get back as it was. i couldnt cope with the body dysphoria during sex and i can go hypersexual with the bipolar. i just couldnt take the risk i dont want to go back there. people suggest self control ect but believe me i end up with none. how i feel now can be completely overridden,i become a different person with little to no caring or consonance. ive struggled to get stable like i am and being castrated is a god send. my confidence is rising as well which i will have to watch as it can be a sign of going hyper. the mood stabilizers dont cure the bipolar they level it out so i can catch the mood wings.now im not burying my transgender state i dont get as wound up,infact its slowly becoming a way of life. it is the sex side as ive said that can trigger feelings that screw me up.i will also say that just the high sex drive can get dangerous if a mood swing hits as sex get more risky to say the least. its just not good at all. a bit of me would like to stop the antiandrogen to see if the hypersexuality is still there but if it was id be in trouble. its a jeckyl and hyde situation. also the perception of how i become can be clouded as i dont remember some of it and i always try to believe its not that bad,you twist the truth to suit yourself.i think thats why mental health were so serious with me at the beginning when i was trying to play some of it down. they see a different perspective on it. i thinki got to them just in time otherwise id have been incarcerated. strange i still remember thinking at the time what does it matter they cant do anything and i dont care. im still not sure im not playing games with them,i get strange thoughts. i feel my transgender feelings are real but something else is wrong.the fact i feel i can switch it all off and act totally different is still there.im not right i know it but im stuck like this.i still bury a lot of m feelings and what people see is a front. when i saw the psycosexual consultant i told him to be careful as i can change and play games,my mood could change over a week. i was in a very unstable state then and was wanting help so was trying to explain. i know they have all this on record and it cant look good but they seem happy enough.

over the last couple of weeks my sex drive has risen. it shouldnt im on chemical castration to which i added and extra anti androgen. it must be the lamotrigine,i have read it can raise libido.not sure how it does it i thought being castrated it wouldnt happen.ive already strayed once and if it doesnt drop it ill take on a sinister way like last time.i am scared to talk to the pdoc,the first time i saw him his first action was to see if he had to act legally as he put it,which ment could he lock me up,but in checking he couldnt prove anything. im hoping it will pass as the drug settles down so im going to wait until im due to see him then decide what to do then.i know if it runs away with me it will take control and ill just tell them every thing is ok. with the transgender issue a high sex drives causes me intense mental conflict and it all goes bad.if i cant get it under control then it means all is lost and that will make it worse,ill be back to self destruction. the fact i realize it is happening seems to help but i find myself justifying it which doesnt help.part of me wants to go see my gp tomorrow and ask for a doesage rise and part of me says ride it out. confused

i had an experiment today. i have had doubts about my transgender thoughts so i went back to the sauna to see ho it felt.i decided to have a good night so i wasnt pre judging myself. i met a guy ive been with before and as we had sex i felt totally female,i wish the male bits would have dissapeared. i felt so strongly that my bits were missing. being penetrated as great but i longed for it in my vagina i dont have. i know that sex is a crude way to judge such a thing but its the feeling of wrong body. its such a close thing that true feelings come out.im having trouble when i look in the mirror. i want gender surgery,im 100%on that i wish i could have it tomorrow and feel that part of me is correct.with that done i can adjust to how i want to be, no one can denigh i am female in body. if it asnt for the chance of gender surgery i would get castrated tomorrow to reduce the male bits but they say its a bad thing if gender surgery is planned.its a very strange thing being in a place full of gay guys when your brain says female but the female sex drive says you can get sex with this body its better than nothing. it is still a problem that it just enforces how wrong the body is. its also a problem as id like to present more female but thats not as easy as it seems. my thoughts are if my body is female then presenting as female is going to be a lot easier.