i have to make a big decision. ive screwed my life up and its my fault but i managed to admit i have a gender problem. the pdoc i see is talking about referring me to a gender clinic and i would like to go, allowing for the long waiting lists and funding.i have followed their medications to try to calm my mood swings. the thing is since i was hiv and hep c i lost what partial friends i had and although i cured the hep the stigma never goes away. its described as being a modern day leper. so i seem to be alone and i worry that going through with the gender issue will make me more of an outcast and unemployable. im not rich and i rent my house so i need to work. i hate having to explain my breaks in work history and it usually means im shown the door. if i go back to burying the feelings then the only people i know are in the gay community and that would end up with me being like before. im dammed if i do and dammed if i dont. my mind is going crazy thinking about it and i feel like i just want to say to hell with it and party till i die. in the past every time ive tried to settle and become part of something the moods and my personality have ruined it. if i go back to hiding my feelings it means i have to be carefull how i interact with people and it ends up with lies to cover the truth. ive been shunned from so many groups ive grown to hate people. i was always trying to attach myself to something as by myself i was alone. now ive stopped caring. im sick of small talk and the false interest from people i knew who then forget me. i understand why, they dont want to catch anything and they dont want to associate with such a person as it may reflect on them. makes you so isolated that whatever you do the results cant be worse that the isolation and rejection feelings.im just passing time now hoping the days arnt too long. ive no where to go other than the pdoc and gum clinic. they cant take much more from me,i dont work, cant drive,no money,no friends and no future. ironic that i have a chance to get what i need and it will probably make my life worse.