I tend to go through sad moments occasionally recently it's been about my aptitude. See I've grown up in a family (my mom's side)where in which my great grandfather was an arenuatical engineer and my grandmother (on my dad's side) is an accountant so normal middle class jobs, my sister (she's my half sister) can already do senior highschool level math meanwhile I've struggled with math all my life my aunt (on my dad's side) is going to college for something in the medical field and I know for a fact that she's capable of it. Everybody says I'm "smart" which I know I'm not I'm not stupid I'm just not smart they seem to equate being knowledgeable in a niche subject to intelligence and it pisses me off whenever somebody tells me I'm smart. Now my dad is a chef and he's fine with that. (I guess he doesn't obsess over intelligence like I do) I can't just say I want to learn a new language and just do it, it requires a certain level of aptitude that I don't have I'd love to live in another country it's not like I hate the U.S. but I'd like to do that it just sucks to see most people around you being high achievers when you know your not capable of it.

I feel happy and I feel very gay, I guess the best term would be unerving content

I found evidence (I think) that sexuality can change I've recently enjoyed masterbating to men and the idea of doing stuff with a guy seems somewhat exciting sadly. anyway here's the link to the article:



https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4442487/

I can't even find a painless way to die yeah it kind of scares me but at the same time if I could get some lidocaine it would be easier problem being that all the ' hospital grade' stuff is only used buy doctors and the strongest stuff I could find was only available via prescription (and btw lidocaine is a numbing agent it by itself can't kill you) I just want this nightmare to end but the problem is that do to my stupid regide closed mindedness there's only one way I want it to end but I'm very certain that I won't be able to get that and death clearly isn't an option. As much as I hate saying this I personally don't identify as straight anymore even though I want to these feelings and urges are just to strong I can't fool myself I to thinking it's my anxiety I'm not that stupid I guess. I just want to believe that this is a phase but it isn't I wish I was old at least I wouldn't have the rest of my life in front of me.

I wish I wasn't young or at the very least open minded I want death so bad and yet I'm not old enough to access any death by dignity laws and I can't kill myself