I want to believe I'm bisexual but it's so hard to maintain that, the reality is that I want to go back to how I was before but I know that that's not possible which is why I reluctantly want to believe I'm bisexual the problem is that I'll sit there and say I doesn't matter just let yourself feel this way it's fine you can still live a normal life but than I start feeling comfortable and it's not under the.exact circumstances that I want so I get more and more anxious, I don't know what to do, the scariest thing to me is the possibility that I'll be like this forever now I differ from people with ocd because they suffer from immense doubt about there obsessions while I can pinpoint exactly why I'm depressed I also don't dread the idea of having a guy I just don't want to find me. Attractive or have fantasies about them and the occasional time when I feel more straight I feel so relieved and like a weight has left me but it's always temporary and it's NEVER to the extent that it was 8 months ago and it saddens me. I guess I'll have to live with it but it's just so hard and (I think) I've done everything I can think of to either accept.it or just ignore it I just feel like I'm all out of options

I'm just so confused I've gone onto lgbt forums because I want to see if what I feel isn't ocd or ifit is and the thing is is that I can relate both with people with ocd and with people with on these gay forums . So this is what I know about myself.

I feel attracted to men but a year ago i couldn't even fathom how a guy could find another man attractive

I've in the past month gained the ability to enjoy masterbating to men though ever since may I think I could have enjoyed it yet I was to scared to

I still check to see if I'm attracted to women

I think about this all the time

I used to be disgusted at the idea of sucking cock but in the past 8 months I've gone from being disgusted to wanting it kind of

I used to hate the idea of anal sex but now I could do it I think

My sexual likes are so different to 9 months ago that I don't even know how I was like that

I don't think prior.to my HOCD that I had a history of ocd so because I feel how I feel I wonder if it was homosexuality to some extent

I know prior to 9 months ago I was happy with my sexuality

All the none straight people say they either new since purburty but wouldn't admit it for the most part

There's only three people I've found who seem similar to me one guy posted one reddit ( he also posted once in here) he was 29, felt straight his whole life even almost tried gay sex at 22 but found the whole thing weird the only difference is that he had a " gender change fantasy" his most recent post stated that he really wanted to get his nails done and I think that he wanted a guy though I'm not sure.

The other guy was on. LGBT forum he was 19 and said he liked women all his life but was starting to find me attractive he said he didn't.care.if.he liked men but he wished his previous desires for women were still there

The third guy was on this forum and said how he likes dick and how he fell in love with his friend and how he would get compulsions to suck a guys cock and how his thoughts where both scary and arousing he said how these days he really wants to talk and act feminine around very masculine me he was 21 but apparently suffered from ocd for 10 years

Now I understand that most people know who they are but Early adalescents but as with everything there's always acceptions so I'm just wondering if I'm one of those acceptions. I literally get annoyed by my attractions to women and hate my attraction to me I just want to go but to who I was 8 months ago

I also fear my family it would be such. Drastic shift

Another thing I hate that I fear my family because that would mean that it's not OCD I hate that I can masterbate to me. Because that would mean that it's not OCD I hate my attraction to men

What is going on with me I don't like the way I feel and the only thing keeping.me.sane is the idea that this will all disappear, but a lot of gay people also wished that these things would disappear to though.

I swear everything that I don't want to come true comes true I swear it's a self fulfilling prophecy, like who I was 8 months ago is not the person I am now and the person I was 4 months ago also isn't the same person I was, at least sexually.

When I'm not that anxious I still find men attractive a part of me says "yeah I can live with this" I don't like it but when I'm less anxious and able to look at it objectively I can say with absolute certainty that men are hot. The worst part about it is that I don't want to do anything with a guy and to my knowledge I didn't find men attractive prior to 8 months ago so I don't have a history of it.

I really wish I could explain why I'm like this I don't get it, I should probably stop asking questions and just let things happen but it's so hard.

Oh well at least I still read straight erotica.

I've been getting urges to masterbate to men and I let it happen, I'm not sure how I feel, I do feel depressed, If my desire to be with a woman was still there I'd be a bit less anxious but it's not I find the idea of a woman somewhat weird I used to love the idea of kissing a woman, now these days it seems odd, I hate to say it but I don't want it.

The thing is that if I look at my own sexual history there was I point in time where I found the idea of sucking a guys penis, being all touchy feely, sleeping with a guy and kissing a guy weird now these days I really want to do it. I still find womens bodies attractive but still.

I think part of why I never wanted to say that this was sexual desire in the first ace was 1. I didn't want to admit that an OCD fear of mine was real ( which would mean it wasn't OCD) 2. I didn't like the prospect that my previous sexual desires had changed. The problem for me is that I can't find anything in my sexual history that would've indicated this, I mean during my ocd episodes it look at my self and say "I find my self attractive meaning women could find my attractive"(it's weird saying I wanted a woman) but I only ever found my self attractive during those episodes and that was really about it. That in September of last year during one of my episodes I started finding some men attractive the idea of sucking a guys penis was less disgusting and the idea of doing oral sex on a woman became less appealing, but than it died down women became who I was mainly attracted to, now I still didn't find penis disgusting mind you and I still found the occasional man attractive.

These days the person I was 8 months ago seems so odd and foreign that I don't even want that anymore I sometimes wonder how I was ever like that I was happy at the time but whatever happened changed that for whatever reason.

Now here's where the problem comes in I can't find any reason as to why I'm like this, short of the last 8 months I can't think of any event that would indicate bisexuality, was I just clueless? I don't know. Sometimes I get angry at people saying I'm straight funny enough but when I'm in my more 'hetero' moments I feel the happiest and the most 'normal'.

Now I know snaga has mentioned how he would go back and forth and how he felt anxious because of his desire. For me I go back and forth from saying these are real desires and there going to be with me forever to maybe I will go back to normal, I feel anxiety not at the idea of finding men attractive but because men are attractive to me it's frustrating. Now this attraction isn't as bad as my ocd riddled mind use to have me believe but it still sucks.

Huh I feel like I have a conflict of interest