I had a literal urge to masterbate to a guy not to check or anything but to masterbate to a guy, and you know what I did it. I don't know I don't really care so much anymore. Ever sense this began back in April I've always expected it to get worse and worse and worse, and lo and behold it that is exactly what is happening. I need to go to a doctor but I'm just a ######6 pussy and a coward the amount of self pity I keep going through is embarrassing but alas I keep doing it I keep thinking hoping I'll go back to normal but men are just so hot I want a guy but I'm to much of a coward to get it and I'm obsessed with my past that I don't even really want.


The only thing that is going to help me is therapy but ###$ a world where I have all these feelings and actually want them, at least right know I can be deluded into thinking I can go back to normal at least I can think that these legitimate feelings of attraction disgust and physical and emotional arousal will disappear , my sexual orientation feels like it's done a 180 or at least it's turned 130 degrees away from what it once was, maybe it's always been there I don't know, I just want my old life back but the only way to maybe get it is by confirming nwhat I may or may not have.

Snaga has said before try and look at your thoughts fantasies desires and so on dispassionately, the problem I have is when I go out into the real world I find men attractive ok great there's something to check off I find women kind of attractive another thing to check off im more comfortable at the moment with the idea of ######6 a woman another thing to check off. The problem is that even when not as stressed (keyword being not as) I still feel attraction to men but if I went back 6 months ago it was practically none existent, if I went back a year ago it didn't exist at all within this time frame and before I couldn't imagine doing anything with a guy, well now things are different, so because of that I can't figure out what I am and what I'm not. If I ignore my past I'd say I'm on the margins (I think) of being bisexual but if I look at my past as well than I just don't know

I wonder if I'm always going to be attracted to men I think I will men are just very very hot, I found this model on the internet that's very attractive I hate looking at him yet I always like to check to see if it disappeared. I don't have false urges I kind of get exited when I guy talks about himself sexually. All of these obsessions have to do with me wanting my old self back, but alas I shouldn't be dwelling on the past. I guess this is what God intended for me. I think I I just let my anxiety go I could enjoy it yet I don't want to enjoy it. I remember my old self, I wish I could just wipe my memory, I wish I didn't have the desires I used to have. I wish I wasn't an absolute p#### I just want to rip (cant spell the right word) my brain out of my head. I wish none of my entertainment mediums where sexual, I wish I could stop being depressed. Why did nature have to play some petty tricks on me I don't even want what I had before I kind of want my new self more. I want my old incest fetishes but alas it will never come back I will always find men attractive. Nobody in the ocd forum legitimately finds the object of there fears attractive except me, yet I can't accept that because I'm obsessed with my past. I found some male on male erotica by acedent and wanted to masterbate to it though I imagined a woman in place of the guy (it is a very odd fetish of mine I don't want to get into). All the ocd forum members doubt, the one thing in most certain of Is the fact that I find men attractive, it is seriously the worst thing that could of happened to me. Why can't I have my doubts back.

It's so hard not to check I try so hard but my depression and anxiety manages to get the best of me I just don't know what to do, I mean men are so attractive it's like it came out of nowhere I feel this need to know that a sliver of my old self still exist within me ughhhh. And recently I don't know when this started but I've been feeling this want, to have sex with a guy I even get the urge to masterbate when I think of one occasionally, I can't figure out if this is paraphilia like, I need to stop worrying but I just can't imagine a world where I'll be comfortable finding men attractive or feeling these urges.

When I read erotica it doesn't have the same effect on me like it used to have, THAT is the most depressing part about it it's the fact the I can't enjoy anything anymore because surprise surprise there where things that was sexual about an entertainment medium and there where things that motivated me out of a desire to have a woman, and even if I where to play a video game again or read that same series of erotica over and over again, it's going to have a different effect on me, for different reasons.


I wish I wasn't a sexual being I wish the whole idea of sex at all could just be wiped WHY OH WHY COULDNT I HAVE FOUND MEN ATTRACTIVE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING AND SLEEP FOREVER LIFE ISN'T WORTH IT ANYMORE.