I had a literal urge to masterbate to a guy not to check or anything but to masterbate to a guy, and you know what I did it. I don't know I don't really care so much anymore. Ever sense this began back in April I've always expected it to get worse and worse and worse, and lo and behold it that is exactly what is happening. I need to go to a doctor but I'm just a ######6 pussy and a coward the amount of self pity I keep going through is embarrassing but alas I keep doing it I keep thinking hoping I'll go back to normal but men are just so hot I want a guy but I'm to much of a coward to get it and I'm obsessed with my past that I don't even really want.


The only thing that is going to help me is therapy but ###$ a world where I have all these feelings and actually want them, at least right know I can be deluded into thinking I can go back to normal at least I can think that these legitimate feelings of attraction disgust and physical and emotional arousal will disappear , my sexual orientation feels like it's done a 180 or at least it's turned 130 degrees away from what it once was, maybe it's always been there I don't know, I just want my old life back but the only way to maybe get it is by confirming nwhat I may or may not have.