havnt posted on here for a while and things have changed. after i was discharged from the mental ward they decidied my problem was not bipolar but a personality disorder.they decided to bring me off the medications i was on and im still trying to get off lamotrigine,the mood stabilizer they put me on.A big change is the transgender feelings.they have diminished as i realized there is no way i can go through with it so it has been buired in my mind and the female persona overuled and put back where she belongs.im stopping the antiandrogen and trying to return to normality.coming off the mood stabilizer is hell,the panic attacks and feeling bad is nearly beyound description.i thinkthat it has occupied so much of my time recently ive not noticed how ive had mood swings creeping backin. time will tell how it works out,the current anti androgen injection stops working in jan next year whichis fine as i didnt want a chance of any withdrawl from it whilst im getting off this dam mood drug.i wanted to stop this month but common sense took over,i just dont need testosterone kicking back in whilst im struggling with withdrawl problems.i think that as i have come down in dose of the mood drug i actually reached a dose that calmed my mood without realizing it but im still carrying on dropping as the doc wants me off it.at the moment im experiencing mixed mood episodes and i can see the mood swings returning once the drug is stopped regardless of the pdocs diagnosis.i still hate him,i still ant to play mind games with him but as he handed me back to my gp to get me off the drugs i dont see him.right now im calmer than ive been in a long time,i think because of the mood stabilizer being reduced and being tired in general.i think come january when the injection has stopped working and testosterone flows again then life will pick up.the drive thats emerging is to get back to my old self,the girl in me tried to come out but failed and i won the battle.ima bit knumb at the moment like things are changing but im just along for the ride.i do know that its a battle with the withdrawl effects and the change in mood the drug brought out.tonight as i write this im a bit dopped from diazepam so life does seem a little calmer but in reality i know its still up and down,a few nights ago i slipped back to feeling suicidal for the night.i bought a bottle of vodka and had some benzo pills and sat looking at them.in the end the thing that stopped me was someone online saying they dont work,even with the vodka,id just end up feeling awfull and then probably having to face withdrawl effects from the benzos. my gp still sees the risk i have and he will only give me 14 days of any meds at a time. all i can think about now is getting back to how i was before i started with mental health.may just become a visious circle.ive certanly felt the moods swinging again but at the moment they are all over the place which is understandable as the mood stabilizer has less effect.i do have a growing desire just to be my old self,moods and all

Glad to hear from you, hang in there