My great grandmother died the other day I'm not sure what I think about it, I mean I'm obviously sad but I didn't cry like everybody else(which I personally consider to be a good thing). When the coroner came (I think that's what there called) everybody was standing in her bedroom around the walls reciting a prayer, I found it quite cult like and personally I didn't see it as a good way to send her off. Now of course where going to have a funeral for her in a week at least that'll be good, I kind of wonder what she was thinking right before she died because prior to her death she wasn't able to speak and she wasn't able to move her muscles, that must be terrible, not being able to have control over your body short of your breathing and your thoughts. I wonder what she thought right before she died. I (at least think) that I would be both equally terrified and excited, what comes after death is it nothing do you still have a conscious is it something exciting will I be sent to some form of eternal torture is reincarnation possible will you reincarnate into another universe still remembering your past life, I kind of wonder I those would be my thoughts before I die, if I die a slow death, on one hand I feel sorry for her she died without having control over her body, and on the other... At least her brain hadn't deteriorated to the point where she doesn't even know who she is at least she didn't physically suffer like she so scared of going through at least she died with her kids and her grandkids with her, I can at least be happy that she had us with her when she closed her eyes and passed. If norse paganism is real to some extent or another may she enjoy the wild hunt.

this is a blog what should I talk about hm... It's funny I have all the thoughts in my head before I post and when I want to then I don't well let's try talking about ocd/sexual $#%^ I find men attractive I don't like it but I do one of the moderators who comments by the name.of Snaga says that he thinks it's ocd but only because I said it freaks me out that I find men attractive. so what but does it actually make freak me out, I mean sure I might not like that I find men attractive but plenty of people don't like there sexual orientation I usually get a large bit if anxiety when I see It and It makes me wish I was what I was a year or hell even two months ago but I'm probably just gonna have to give those up all they are are long distant memories and regardless of how depressing it might be I have to move on. I don't like masterbation now because than I'll think of guys as well which I think I dislike I don't know am I wouldn't want to try a date with a guy because what if I like it I don't want to test thoughs waters I still like women but it's not a strong as it once was which sucks I used to obsess over women now I'm not going to have those fantasies to the same extent or to the same enjoyment that I used to why can't it just be simple and be I like men do I like men I don't know this post for whatever reason is making me stress I just want the thougts out of my head for even a day anything ANYTJING would work I practically can't think of anything else unless I'm walking ot being preoccupied anyway I've said a lot and my anxiety is high from writing this