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by Kaleb28 on Sun Mar 06, 2022 5:36 am
I just want to blow it off like it's nothing but I can't, these feelings of mine are real and I hate them I just want to get ride of them. Even primarily hetero bisexuals make me jealous because that's not me, I hate it, I want it so badly even that's better than what I have. It's one thing to discover.that you like the same gender but it's another thing for your previous sexual desires to almost disappear. I don't want to do anything with men on an intellectual level but my body tells me otherwise and there almost the only thing that attract me. I understand that these feelings are self inflicted and that I am punishing.myself but the alternative is worse. I just hate how I feel. I dislike looking at women because it reminds.me of how I used to feel.
I guess the best thing to do is abstinence, but of course that won't cure my jealousy and my sense of loss. I know what I have to do to feel better but I don't want to do it and that's of course to accept.it and move on. I just feel some unwarranted anger towords LGBTQ people. I want to look them in the eye and say hah ###$ you I proved you wrong, but unfortunately there right.
I guess I'm homophobic, I had no idea that I was. I guess I'm sorry to them as well because I understand it's unwarranted, emotion can be a bitch
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by Kaleb28 on Fri Mar 04, 2022 1:29 am
It's been a little bit since I've made a blog post. So I talked to a psychologist back in January (thought it was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was wrong) and she herself believes in sexual fluidity and she suggested acceptance as a way of being comfortable. It saddens me to think that that's what she believes, but to be honest, It just makes sense to me to. I try my best to blow it off and just ignore it but I can't do It for that long. It's always in the back of mind or it's there when I masturbate or look at both men and women. With that being said I think I know why I can't accept it.
Drastic change:. It wasn't something I expected, It just happened suddenly and has gotten more severe.
Family: I don't want to tell my family I've changed, I don't really care what they think but I've been straight all my life so telling them again is a change, so I guess this could be apart of the first point
Nostalgia: I remember my past and it hurts I don't want to let it go
It just seems unfair most people.dont have this change and I'm assuming if they do they don't find there previous desires less desirable. I wonder if it would be more bearable if I didn't even have a slight revulsion to women. Sometimes I'm comfortable with it, but than it scares me it means I could be happy like this, and I don't want to be happy in my current predicament. But this has been going on for a year and it will probably stay with me
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by Kaleb28 on Sun Jan 02, 2022 8:31 pm
Well It wasn't about that in particular it was about depressive symptoms and sexual identity shift. I believe the age range was 16-27 and apparently people he went from a primarily heterosexual identity to more homosexual identity experienced more depressive symptoms than those that went from a primarily homosexual identity to a more hetero one. And we'll yeah that is definitely how I feel very depressed and grieving over my loss, haha I'll never take my sexual identity for Granted ever again.
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by Kaleb28 on Sat Dec 25, 2021 4:04 am
Based on the few gay people I read from on the OCD forum it seems likely.to me that I'm not straight. It's like I want things to go back to normal but I also want to have a guy why can't I have it whyyyy
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by Kaleb28 on Tue Dec 21, 2021 6:22 am
Why can't I accept myself why am I being so hard with myself I don't get it it's so hard to let go of my past I really want to. I want to get over this I still have 3-4 weeks until I can go to the psychiatrist. Everything I wanted sexually and romantically has been flipped upside down. The best solution I've come up with is that I don't need to have a relationship period, that seems to fit me.quite well.
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