I get anxiety because I don't like how the thoughts about men make me feel, they feel good in some way, but I don't want them to. But when I get the same sexual thoughts about women I feel happy. It all seems to be mindset. I'm afraid to let go because I think there's is a possibility I could do something with a guy and the physical attraction combined with the fact the I can conjure up certain fantasies(for lack of a better word)about men makes it possible in some way.

It's like a roller coaster or a plane they both seem terrifying but I won't know until I try right? I'm just afraid to try. I wish I wasn't afraid. I hate how these thoughts make me feel, I want my old self back. I hate how attractive men are. That's why I don't like being around good looking men. I don't fear the possibility of finding them attractive. I don't like that I can find them attractive. I wish I could kill all attractive men. (JK)

I was on reddit the other day and I found a guy who is like me. He was 29 straight all his life and suddenly started to find men attractive in some way, and he lost his attraction to women(though it still sort of, kind of existed) He said it made him depressed and that he wanted to kill himself because he couldn't feel the way he used to feel about women(said he cried when he loomed at pictures of women he used to find attractive). The people that responded said that this doesn't sound like a normal change in sexuality, and two people said they thought it could be a hormonal imbalance. I don't know. Whatever I'm going through must be extremely rare if I could only find one guy who is/was in a similar predicament as me. Even he mentioned that he couldn't find people that were going through what he was going through. I dread to see the results of what happened to him. I also found out that he made a few posts on this website as well.

One difference I've noticed between me and other ocd sufferers (If you could call it ocd) is that they get a thought in there head and then they fear that they are going to become that thought. In other words there feelings never changed its just that they have a fear that something terrible might happen. For me it's different, I do have fear, but My fear is that I won't be able to go back to normal. In other words I don't dread a future but I yearn for a past that I fear I my never be able to get back. And that makes me very bitter.

I'm frustrated, on one hand I wish I could just have sex with a guy but on the other hand I would be devastated if I could go through with it. Being bisexual doesn't sound that bad it's just that I feel less straight now then I did a year ago and I'm afraid to pursue a relationship with a woman do to my shifting feelings.(I'd say like 70% of the time I don't want to kiss a woman but then there's times that I do). Why are men so attractive and yet why can't I just get over the hurdle to do something with them. I feel like I could have sex or have a relationship with a woman (maybe) and not feel to enthusiastic about it, and yet I find men attractive and I can't (or won't) do anything with them. Now I do admit that I actively resist any proclivities I have towards men so I'm sure that that's part of the problem. I feel frustrated, sad and lost. Any attraction I have towards women I'm very cautious about. when will it go away? how long will it last? I don't want to take the sexual proclivities I have left for granted I did that before for my entire life and well I learned that I was wrong.

It feels so great. I wish this feeling would last forever.