I just thought about it but I actually kind of want to be told I'm gay or bi I don't know why because I don't like hering it on the internet but I want to be told it because for whatever reason I find it to be relief at least in my imagination maybe that kind of confirms that I'm going through some weird form of obfuscation this is going to be a hard process I e heard of people where it took the 50 years to figure this out and who knows maybe it will be shorter than that but it still sucks

I've been trying to actively suppress my anxiety and for the past few minutes I've felt somewhat content so I guess this is a start

I like the stress weather it's ocd or the fact that I know how I feel when I feel like there's a chance I won't be able to go back to being straight I just like it and want it to stay forever, my life is hell my life is hell my life is hell fuxk everything I hate life with a passion I'm to much if a coward to kill my self I'm to scared to go to therapy and with the two therapist I've talked to one said it sounds like I bi and the other said it sounds like I'm bi as well so who the ###$ knows, I was on another ocd forum on another website and I got a mix of people saying it is and isn't ocd so who knows I've been like this for THREE ######6 MONTHS and nothing's changed it usually last a month an month but no I'm going to either be gay bi or in this state of non acceptance forever I was on this website called empty closets and there "first" stage of coming out was finding somebody of the same gender attractive well guess what #####& I do I ######6 do so there part one to scratch off my list yeah ###$ my life and ###$ whatever my sexuality is

I posted a post earlier essentially reiterating the same tired old post about how I find men attractive and nobody I find on the forum seems similar to me boo hoo hoo, I just need to accept it I kinda get pleasurable thoughts and I need to let go of my past I NEED TO LET GO OF MY PAST it might suck that this was the hand I was delt but that is what I need to do this is all over the place I know but I just feel like complete and utter $#%^ I NEED TO ACCEPT Why can't I ###$ my life ###$ sexuality I just hate my self I think and I hate saying that because it confirms.what I wish wasn't true

It all just really sucks for the past month and a half I've just felt mentally exhausted I wish things could go back to normal or that I could just be at peace with myself I just want all this to end ,would medication be a good option? I don't know I'm afraid to tell my therapist and doctor because I think they'll confrm my fears I just want to see this end, whenever I see an attractive man I cringe I wonder if it's possible for me to not cringe, of course it's possible why wouldn't it be, cringing is like an addiction it's hard to stop. This thing is just so mentally exhausting whenever I feel a little better I always go back to feeling anxious and the anxiety isn't strong like it was a lifetime ago. I see an attractive guy and I'm anxious as a biproduct of finding him attractive and to an extent I don't even know if I'd call it anxiety, I cringe but that's really the extent that my reaction has. This whole ordeal is just so mentally exhausting it feels like I've run a mile everyday(at least mentally) I've almost gotten to a point where I'm just like "hey at least I still find women attractive" but apparently I can't accept that I really wish I could I am just at my wits end and I hope writing this post will ileaviate some of my... Stress? Yeah it's stress.