It's been a while.

I'm not sure what compels me to come back. Something just told me to start discussing the topic of child sex abuse and incest again. I've started spontaneously talking about it on Reddit too. Perhaps part of me wants to see about helping other survivors of these heinous traumas. Maybe I feel I haven't finished telling my story yet. In any case, I'm back for now. Not that I had any fanbase here, but like I first wrote in my blog description a few years ago, this is just where I'm putting my vents.

I'm currently juggling a lot of things in my life right now. The loss of a dear family member I had mentioned in my previous entry, me questioning myself for the lack of grief I feel, my therapy and the revelations I've been having with it, and a few other personal things going on... I had a lot of things I wanted to write about here, but I have more things that acquire my immediate attention going on, I simply can't remain dedicated to writing here anymore. I'm sure I'd feel a bit better if I got some things out, but I just can't remain focused. I'm not mentally fit to write right now and not sure I will be anytime soon.

Because of that, I am going to be going on hiatus from this site. Might be a bit of silly of me to announce that since it's not like I have a dedicated following or anything, but I feel I may as well just for the record. Especially since this site has been such a great platform for me to journal my road to recovery on since I first opened up about my trauma here. Over a hundred entries! Never thought of myself as a prolific writer, but talking about my experiences unwittingly brought that out in me. To anyone who may have been following, thank you for doing so and I'm sorry I won't be keeping you posted on how things are going.

I don't know if I'll ever come back. Maybe to post the occasional vent, if anything, but I can't say if I'll be back as a regular once again. But thanks again, especially to the admins for making this site a safe and secure place for survivor like myself to use an outlet.

I completely missed my update on my last therapy session, as anyone who actually follows my blog might see, but a maternal aunt in my family has passed away recently. We’ve been having bad snowy conditions here in Oregon recently and she died in a car wreck. I really don’t mean to make this tragedy about me, which is why I’ve been holding back from posting about it… But I didn’t cry for my aunt at all. What, in my mind, constitutes as actual grief, I did not feel for her at all. Even though I was fairly close with this aunt. Yet, I reacted to her death the exact same way I reacted to my dad’s death. My dad who molested me for 20 years. I hate that I post about this. But what does this say about me? Have I become a person who is incapable of feeling basic human emotions? Am I not human? But at the same time. I positively hate that I’m making this about myself, yet I can’t stop. This has opened up a new bottle of emotions I can’t even begin to fathom right now. I’m just unhinged with my venting right now, so maybe I’ll make better sense of this later, but right now, I can only write how I feel. And I wish I was feeling more than I am.

Today's session, we got to talking more about my molestation again. She asked me how I've been doing I told her I still get occasional flashbacks and still feel guilt over what happened, even though I know I shouldn't- that I feel like a lost cause since I still struggle with it. I told her about a few recurring flashbacks of mine that get to me. She dug pretty deep in trying to figure out why I still feel ashamed over it. Then she brought up my current relationship with boyfriendish and some of the frustrations I've conveyed with her last time. How I wish I could say there was a romantic and sexual interest in him.

I think she might have hit the nail on the head: that my problem is that I had somewhat experienced that one point while I was being molested by my dad and am torn that I'm unable to experience that again even with someone who seems to be an ideal partner for me. I had eluded to this before in a previous entry, but didn't dwell too much on it. She also surmised that because my dad is no longer alive, that I can't direct my ire over this toward him like I should be so I just aim it back myself. Unfortunately, by the time we got around to that, we had ran out of time, but I think she really got on to something.

I've certainly been thinking about it since our session ended and probably will be until our next.

I was just looking over my last blog entries and I noticed I’ve talked a lot more about when I was being molested by my dad during my child and preteen years than I do when I was 15 when it became a daily occurrence for me. There’s a few reasons for that. One being my child and preteen ages were when I was enjoying the molestation and that comes with a lot of shame on my part, which still gets to me. Talking about that particular time frame helps me vent it out. That and when I was 15, that was an extremely dark period for me. I had stopped enjoying it, but felt there was nothing I could do stop it so I just resigned myself to it while despising myself for being too weak and convincing myself I deserved it anyway. That’s just an idea of how dark it was. That particular thing is difficult for me to convey into words. Another reason is for the things my dad started doing to me by then. I’ve gotten pretty graphic with my stories but talking about what exactly happened during those times I was 15 I feel would just be TOO graphic. I couldn’t even talk about it during therapy without feeling dirty in the sense I was describing smut. I may get around to talking more about it on here but I’d have to figure out a way to do so in a way that’s easier for me. Both in talking about the really depressing thoughts and feelings I had at that time, as well as the disgusting things my dad would do to me.