Our partner

Chels's blog
Since joining this site, I've been unearthing trauma that's been buried my whole life. I've finally told my story, but some thoughts and memories still come up that I want to vent out but don't want to spam this site doing so through posts. Thank goodness for the blog feature here where I can put all of these vents of mine.

In the unlikely event that anyone reads these, thanks in advance for taking the time to do so.
Chels91
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2021 9:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (139)
Archives
- September 2024
Back for the time being
   Thu Sep 05, 2024 3:11 pm

+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
Search Blogs

Did I ever enjoy it again? (trigger warning)

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Wed Feb 02, 2022 12:44 pm

I’ve been reaching out to other survivors of sexual abuse and incest online on other websites under the hopes that I can impart some of my knowledge and experience in overcoming my trauma on others who are struggling more than I have. If anything, being someone they can talk and relate to about their experience when they have no one else.

I’ve been speaking to one fellow incest survivor and she recently asked me something: Did I ever enjoy it again after it stopped being consensual for me? She stressed that she hoped that she didn’t mind her asking and that she only did because when my dad was giving me oral sex every day, it must have always felt good; that she knows that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it (something I know she can empathize with) but she’s just curious if I ever did.

I didn’t mind her asking, because I feel it’s a noteworthy question that deserves an answer. It actually made me think and probably a good opportunity for me to face more demons I might have similar to when it was consensual for me for the first several years of my molestation. I can’t give the clearest answer, because I don’t remember all of the times. With how often it did happen to me, a lot of it is a blur and I would mentally suppress it a lot of the time too.

One short answer is I think rarely enjoyed it again. It always did feel good, but as I’ve explained before, this doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. It just means my body responded the way it was meant to to sexual stimulation. But I think sometimes the feeling would get so strong, particularly during a climax, where I might’ve enjoyed it for just a brief moment because it felt so good that it overruled any other thinking going on at the time. I know there were times where my body would respond to the oral sex stronger than I usually did for some reason.

The only time I can clearly remember having partly enjoyed it was actually the last time my dad molested me when I was 20. I woke up to him in the middle of going down on me and as soon as I did, I couldn’t help but practically grind on his face. My first orgasm was pretty strong, but he did it twice that night and after that first one, I started reacting to it less with the second. I think how I responded to that first one was a result of my body not having experienced any sexual stimulation for roughly two years since the last time my dad did it at 18 and so when I felt it again, the physical feelings just overpowered any mental reserves I normally had.

I don’t really remember any other times I might have enjoyed it even for a moment, but that one time I can clearly remember tells me that it had to have happened sometimes. Like I said, I do remember times where my body would respond more intensely than usual. If I ever did enjoy it, I’m going to say that I rarely did because most of the time I absolutely did not. To put it to numbers, I’m going to say probably 99% of the time, I didn’t enjoy it (after I stopped being compliant, that is). Maybe that’s why it’s difficult for me to remember, because it happened so rarely.

Even talking about the possibility that I might have enjoyed it again is difficult for me, but I think it’s important that I do, to leave no stone unturned, if you will, on uncovering any demons I still have about my molestation. I might go over this with my therapist next time. Perhaps she can start uncovering any fragmented memories I might have - something I’ve been hoping to do for a while now.

0 Comments Viewed 16440 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Todymife, VirgieSc