When reflecting on my molestation, I usually get stuck on the fact that I enjoyed being molested by my dad for more years than I didn't, which brings on my self-loathing issues. I’ve talked about this before, but I’m going to talk about it again because I need to vent. Maybe it will help.

First, I really hate the fact that being molested was a source of happiness for me before. I remember one time when I was 8, I entered some school raffle to win a toy I wanted, but I didn’t win and I became pretty upset. My dad ended up having me alone and offered to help me feel better, by giving me oral sex, of course. And it worked. After I climaxed, I felt so happy like that was just what I had needed.

There was another time when I was 9, my mom was gone that weekend for something and of course, my dad ended up doing it to me I think the most times he had in a single day at that point. I think it was four times. I really hate to type this, but I remember just being over the god damn moon because my body had felt so good, I couldn't even lay still after he did it the last time for that day.

I'm cringing to myself just from typing this. I can't stress how much it gets to me, how much I hate that I enjoyed it. I won't dwell too much on the negativity I feel for myself, but I'm still very much struggling with feelings of shame and self-loathing and I don't know how to overcome it. Lucky for me, therapy is back on this week, so I'll get to go over it with my therapist and let her know how badly I'm still struggling with it. Hopefully she herself won't be at a loss on how to help me since we've gone over this before and I'm still dealing with it.

Another thing, I'm sure how happy I would feel was exactly what my dad loved seeing. Fulfilling his deluded fantasy of it being some kind of innocent affection. I still remember seeing the contentment on his face when it would be over. It makes me unsure of who I'm more pissed off at. It should be him, obviously, but I guess me being unsure of that shows how deep my issues go.