by Chels91 on Wed Feb 08, 2023 7:42 pm
Sessions got moved to Tuesdays instead of Mondays. Hopefully that's the last time...
As expected, my therapist wanted to hear all about boyfriendish. Even she seemed a bit confused by the dynamics of my relationship with him. Kept asking me if I was sure there was no romantic interest whatsoever. But she seemed to understand a lot better after I opened up to her about my daddy issues. How I basically just yearn for his purely innocent (mostly) physical affection, which was something I never got out of my dad. I also mentioned how it took me a long time to figure that out when I probably have done so much sooner if I had her consultation. I get the feeling we're not done with him yet because the last thing she asked me before we ran out of time was where I see our relationship going. To which, I told her the truth: I don't know. I don't think boyfriendish and I ever think about it too much and just enjoy each other's company while it lasts. But I told her I do understand that it can't realistically go on forever. I didn't talk much about our past relationship when we were dating, so she'll probably want to ask all about that next time.
Overall, it was a productive session. It helped me realize that even if I don't have any romantic feelings for boyfriendish, it doesn't mean I don't have any strong feelings for him at all, which I do. I love him as a close friend - my best friend. I appreciate and value him a great deal for bringing comfort in my life during a time when I really need it. I never told him any of this for fear of it coming off that I'm professing romantic feelings and complicating our relationship, so it was nice to actually say it to someone else. Maybe my therapist can help me find a way to tell him without indicating any romantic attraction. Or maybe it's just as well that I don't.
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by Chels91 on Wed Feb 01, 2023 12:07 pm
As expected, my therapist and I just did a lot of catching up on my condition since I last saw her months ago, while giving her a rundown of why exactly I’ve come back to see her. I’ve told her all about the shame and self-loathing I still feel, what various triggers I still experience and how I’ve distracted myself from my issues for a long while with my boyfriendish companion. She seemed particularly interested in my relationship with boyfriendish, so I imagine we’ll be talking a lot about that next week. Even though we’re not friends, nor are we supposed to be, it was nice being able to speak with my therapist again. I’m glad I was able to get her back since I’ve already shared so much with her and wouldn’t be totally comfortable having to essentially start over by filling in with another therapist. Feels a bit like picking up where we left off. We’ll just see where it goes.
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by Chels91 on Tue Jan 31, 2023 7:18 pm
It was supposed to start last week, but it got pushed back to today. I'm admittedly a bit nervous, even if I shouldn't be. At least I'm getting the same therapist I had last year, who's a survivor herself. And it's not like I'm any stranger to opening up about my trauma. I'm sure we're not even going to get into the gritty details right off the bat and this will be a lot of catching up and outlining what present issues I'm dealing with. Though that itself might be a bit difficult too. Anxious as I am, I am also glad to be going back to therapy, which I undoubtedly still need. I kind of wish I had stuck with it last year rather than basically letting myself be distracted from my issues. Though, I had mistaken it as getting better from them. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. Now I know better and will make today a hard reset on my road to recovery.
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by Chels91 on Fri Jan 27, 2023 12:42 am
I've noticed an interesting little detail with myself lately. I won't get graphic here, but I will be talking about something that's been triggering flashbacks of my molestation.
Anyway, I'm able to look at any photo of my late father who molested me for 20 years just fine without any triggers. But whenever I've seen a photo where I'm in the picture with him, it triggers me. Especially when I'm age 8 or older in any of the photos, it'll take me right back to a random memory from that age of him molesting me. The most recent one I saw was a photo my aunt had of me and my parents together when I was 12. It was taken during the summer of that year and I was experiencing such vivid flashbacks of a time my dad molested that very summer, I had to excuse myself for a moment to settle down from the anxiety I was experiencing.
Reflecting on it now, it makes perfect sense to me why I'm able to look at a picture of just my dad without any issue, but get easily triggered when I'm there with him. When I see myself when I was younger next to him, I can't help but be reminded of what exactly he was doing to me all the time behind closed doors. It disturbs me looking at those photos now because everything looks so normal that you'd never guess it, ever. That's just how well-hid my dad and I kept it. As much as I hate saying that, I still played a part in keeping my own molestation a secret. That just is what it is. I don't get triggered as often or as badly as I used to, but those photographs are still able to get to me easily.
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by Chels91 on Fri Jan 27, 2023 12:20 am
Not to toot my own horn a bit, but... One compliment I usually get, more or less, when conversing with other survivors is that I'm easy to converse with. I've been told that my ability to remain rational and non-judgmental is always appreciated. I do take pride in my ability to remain logical most of the time, but what I feel most good about is being a valued resource among fellow survivors of sex abuse. I know how uncommon it is finding someone who is level-headed when speaking to others on this subject.
Not that I'm judging anyone for not being the most rational person when discussing abuse, short of them having ulterior motives, just that I understand how refreshing it can be finding someone who can be a logical individual, through and through. I like being that person for my fellow survivors. I'm not always good at articulating myself and I hope none of this comes off egotistical in any way. The main thing I'm getting at with this is that I enjoy helping others and it makes me happy being considered a huge help to those who need it most.
I always tell people that I don't know how helpful I can be, but that I can at the very pay attention to what they have to say. It gives me confidence that I am able to be helpful after all, even if it is just listening.
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