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Since joining this site, I've been unearthing trauma that's been buried my whole life. I've finally told my story, but some thoughts and memories still come up that I want to vent out but don't want to spam this site doing so through posts. Thank goodness for the blog feature here where I can put all of these vents of mine.

In the unlikely event that anyone reads these, thanks in advance for taking the time to do so.
Chels91
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What triggers me the most (trigger warning)

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Sun Nov 21, 2021 10:33 am

I’m not going to get too graphic here, but I’ll still be talking about childhood molestation, so I included a trigger warning anyway.

After reading numerous stories from other people who were sexually abused as children, I’ve found that what gets me triggered the most is when the survivors talk about how they blame themselves for enjoying it or otherwise feel shame for it. As someone who has been there myself, I always just have to jump right on top of that and be the one to tell them they shouldn’t feel bad at all for admitting they enjoyed it.

When my dad was molesting me, I did enjoy it for the first several years. I always sort of knew what he was doing couldn’t have been right, but at the same time, it felt good, so I would let it happen. I used to hate myself for it! I would blame myself for allowing my dad to do what he did and for liking it. But over time, I’ve learned it’s okay to admit it felt good. That you enjoyed it, even. I believe it’s important to admit it if you actually did.

This goes without saying, but a child cannot consent to sexual activity. Even if the child is a willing participant, it only means they’re being taken advantage of. A child doesn’t know better, an adult does. That’s the disgusting nature about a child molester that knows what they’re doing - they know how to seduce and make it enjoyable for their victims.

It’s only natural to enjoy being sexually stimulated. It’s how our bodies are made to react. Unfortunately, it’s just as natural to attach blame to yourself if it felt good for you. It can be difficult to admit. Even being fully aware of all of this, I still don’t like admitting that I enjoyed being molested at one point. But again, it’s important to be honest about that because it’s part of overcoming it. You accept that it felt good, but you also accept that that wasn’t your fault.

I hate to see fellow survivors blame themselves for admitting it felt good. That it was their fault for it. But I try to be there for them and get them to understand that they’re not at fault for anything. I can only hope that I can get through to them. It also goes without saying that it’s never easy.

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