Just how many times my dad molested me in the way he always did. Especially when I was 15. But ever since I was 8 years old too. Once a week, but sometimes more. Possibly sooner than that in my sleep or times I just don’t remember. My dad gave me oral sex so many times, it is truly beyond counting. Sometimes I just have to cover my face and cringe to myself at the prospect that all of those times happened. That I experienced an orgasm pretty much every single time. So much, that I don’t care to experience one again.

They say oral sex and orgasms are the most pleasurable feelings one can experience, but that’s been taken from me. I have experienced oral from sexual partners before and while it isn’t triggering, it really does nothing for me. I can never experience those feelings of sexual fulfillment with oral sex again. I still hate that I experienced it at one point with my dad going down on me. When I look back on those times from when I was 8 to 12, how much I enjoyed it and how happy it made me feel, my cringing turns to self-loathing. Even though I understand fully that I shouldn’t blame myself, I still do. I thought I was getting better with that, but I guess I haven’t.

But there’s also more anger toward my late dad. It makes me irrational, again questioning why he had to do that to me and why I couldn’t have been given a normal upbringing and experience sex naturally on my own. An even more ridiculous thought is why he had to eat me out so many times, like he was making sure I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it physically or mentally again later in life. I think this just goes to show that I still have a long way to go with overcoming my trauma. I hate to admit this, but I’m not feeling that confident that I’ll be able to overcome it this year anymore.

Well- it wasn't all done to you in a day- or even a year. Might take a long time, but maybe what matters most is the fact you're taking measures to overcome it.