by Chels91 on Fri Jan 20, 2023 11:49 pm
It's been a while since I've made an entry here. Even though I have still been active on the trauma front, just on other sites. I'm still talking to other survivors of childhood trauma, which has mostly been going okay, but it's also been a bit of a mixed bag since the occasional creep is simply (and sadly) a given on this subject. I can say I still haven't had that problem here yet. By this point, I'm a bit surprised that I haven't considering how frequent they always tend to be. You'd think there would be more here!
As usual, I've gotten a few who have been blatant about getting aroused by my experiences when I would open up about them in detail. But that still doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. I think in part, because some have been fellow survivors who struggle with hypersexuality and can't help but get aroused by memories of being abused. They have a problem and some are able to admit that, at least. I've never been one to get easily offended anyhow. So long as they remain mostly decent and try to turn our discussion into something else, I can put up with it.
Then there's those are just straight perverts. Those ones are always easy to make, though. They almost always waste no time in wanting to know the details. That or they'll use vulgar language like "cock" or "pussy", even after I've politely asked them not to. They can never help themselves and get carried away when they're becoming aroused. It just shows what little self-control they have. They often get at their worst when I get enough and tell them I'm opting out of our convo, which still gets me some classy responses when they're clearly angered by me not entertaining them.
A few have insisted on talking about my sex life during my adulthood or inquiring if I have tried or would be interesting in trying role-playing my molestation. They seem to think that I must be hypersexual from my trauma and that makes me an easy target for them to get off on. I'm sure some were asking out of genuine curiosity but those who have had ulterior motives, they eventually run out of my patience when I keep steering the conversation away from that and will either go off on me or just stop replying.
They still don't bother me one bit. Mainly because I remain anonymous with most of the people I converse with, so they have no way of stalking me on other platforms or any of actually gaining a foothold in my life. By that, I mean I don't exchange my email, phone number, social media or anything that gives anyone leverage to be any serious threat to me. I have only ever video chatted with a few, but they have mostly been other women. One was a man, but after he got weird during our video call, I've avoided video chatting with men again, just to be safe (to be fair, a few women have gotten weird too).
If anything, these creeps are just a mild annoyance to me. Some might have been a disappointment because they seemed convincingly normal enough for me to enjoy conversing with them, but it's never enough to ruin my day. The only time I ever get really bothered when I think of other survivors they prey on who are not so astute or thick-skinned. I know there are plenty out there being taken advantage of. I try not to think about that too much, though. It can't be helped. All I can do is look after myself and I think I do a good job of that.
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by Chels91 on Tue Jan 03, 2023 10:03 pm
I'm a little late with this, but better late than never.
I don't usually celebrate New Years, but I ended up having boyfriendish over, who brought a bottle of wine for the occasion. I don't usually drink either, but I figured why not? We had fun with it and both of us ended up getting drunk. I don't even remember the last time I drank so much, but I learned I'm much more laid back when I drink. Something boyfriendish pointed out himself. I don't usually show much of any emotion, but I was very at ease for the first time in forever that night. I even laughed out loud a couple times. Sounds pretty sad typing that now, that that's something remarkable for me... Even more so that I have to drink to display such basic emotions. But I'm probably overthinking again.
Anyway, we both had a fun night. We just watched movies and chatted, like always. Still nothing further than us being very close friends. Though his hand were fixated on playing with my navel ring a lot more than usual this time. I half expected him to finally make a move for my chest or below my waist, but he didn't. When we eventually called it a night, he wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me because he said I was drunk and it wasn't right. He has some incredible self-control since I know he's still attracted to me and we've been intimate before when we were dating. But this just shows what a gentleman he is and how he's complacent with not overstepping boundaries in our current relationship.
I'm thankful to have had at least one night where I can say I had a wonderful time, especially with me getting back to focusing on recovering from my trauma. I'm thankful to have boyfriendish in my life and how he's willing to settle for being close friends despite having every opportunity to take things further. It's tempting to have even more nights like that with him, with the weather improving and gas prices getting lower, making it more practical for him and I to travel and see each other often once more. But, I mustn't. I'll just be relying on him too much to keep me distracted again, making things worse for my mental well-being in the long run.
With that, I'll just keep this quote in mind: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
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by Chels91 on Sat Dec 31, 2022 1:03 pm
I was able to schedule an appointment late next month to go back to therapy. I’ll be able to talk to my old therapist again, so that’s good. I’m facing the facts that I can’t do it on my own any longer and need more professional help. I still have to shake my head at myself for being optimistic that I could overcome my trauma within this year. I got way ahead of myself and had a completely implausible idea in hindsight. At least I sort of foretold the long distraction with boyfriendish being detrimental to my path to recovery in the long run. Not that I regret spending time with him, just letting myself be distracted for so long and relying on him to become content. But I’ll be getting back on the right track soon. I’m looking forward to it, all things considered. I’m glad I was able to schedule my old therapist, who I’m already familiar with. It’ll still be a while before I can get started on therapy again, but I’m feeling optimistic about getting back on track and staying there this time.
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by Chels91 on Tue Dec 27, 2022 11:22 pm
Christmas came and went. I had a sizable family gathering and there wasn't a single mention of my father this time around. Even though he still came to mind for me anyway, I get the feeling that everyone is in the loop by now and avoids mentioning him around me. Overall, my holiday was decent. Perhaps because my dad wasn't brought up at all. If him not being brought up at all is going to be the new thing despite him still somewhat recently being deceased, that works for me and all, but it also makes me a bit uncomfortable. Simply because I hate the idea of my family or anyone having to walk on eggshells for me. But I'm probably overthinking that now and it's better not to think of it at all. Just is what it is.
On another note, I still mean to be writing more on here, but I was busy all last week with work and holiday business. I'll try to get a few more entries in before the year's up.
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by Chels91 on Fri Dec 16, 2022 6:51 pm
The intrusive thoughts of my trauma are becoming overwhelming again. On top of that, I recalled another particular memory of when I still enjoyed it that was enough to have me so angry at myself that thoughts of self-harm came to mind. I haven't and won't hurt myself, but when thoughts like that are coming up, I think it's high time that I consider more professional help. To think I was feeling so optimistic at the start of this year that I could overcome my trauma. What a foolish thought that was... Now here we are in the final month of the year where I'm considering going back to where I started. Such progress.
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