One thing I've noticed about myself is that when I get angry with myself over having enjoyed it, the fact that I would close my eyes is what pisses me off the most. It was indicative of how much I had enjoyed it at the moment. But I don't ever pay attention to that detail when looking back on the times after I stopped enjoying it, even though I would still close my eyes almost every time, though for entirely different reasons. Closing my eyes while my dad would molest me was something I always did. From when I was 8 to 13, when I was enjoying it, I would shut my eyes just to relax and become more wrapped up in how good it felt. But once I had stopped enjoying it, I would still close my eyes because I was wincing at it. Grimacing. Sure it still felt good, but it wasn’t enjoyable for me anymore because I had come to understand how wrong it all was. Before, I had shut my eyes as a way of becoming more invested in what was happening, but then I started closing my eyes to try detaching myself from it as best as I could as a means of coping with it. Sometimes I would cry during it too, but feared how my dad would react if he noticed I was crying and would clamp my eyes shut to try holding back my tears from flowing. Just something I recalled. But it’s interesting how that little detail sticks with me; how shutting my eyes during explains so much for both periods.