I hate to piss and moan in another entry about living with the guilt of having enjoyed being molested, but I've had something that's been bothering me a lot lately. It's been floating around in my thoughts and just won't go away. May as well vent it here with the hopes that it does since I'm tired of thinking about it. In the last entry I made on this subject, I stated that I don't know what having a fulfilling sex is like as an adult. As I've stated before, I have experienced consensual sex and even received oral sex from a partner after my molestation, but I've never truly enjoyed it in the sense of feeling aroused and gratified. But after making that post, something later came mind: I actually did one time as an adult, with my dad...

The very last time my dad molested me when I was 20, I woke up to him performing oral sex on me. I enjoyed it that time, in part, at least. I remember being into it enough to where I was grinding into his face. I'm no psychologist, but I surmised that perhaps it had been over a year since I had experienced any sexual stimulation and when I did again, it overruled any reserves I normally had. Whatever the reason, I enjoyed it with the first orgasm he gave me. Then he started going for a second time. After which, I stopped enjoying it and didn't react anymore than I could control. When my second orgasm hit me, I just wished for it to be over. Which it was. After that, my dad just got up and left without saying a word and that was the last time he molested me.

But again, I enjoyed at least half of that time. What gets me so hung up on it was that I was an adult at that point and that's the only time I can remember enjoying sexual stimulation in my adult years. The two boyfriends I had after couldn't please me, but my dad did. Makes me wonder that I just may be one of those who can only get off sexually when I'm fantasizing about my dad molesting me. Or might've been at one point anyway. I'm not gonna go too much into this, but I've tried experimenting with that enough to where I can safely say it doesn't work for me now. Regardless, I'm still living with the shame that the one time I was pleased sexually as an adult was by my dad - the only person in my life who has ever been able to do so. And I don't have the logical excuse that I was a minor before, so what does that leave me with?