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Chels's blog
Since joining this site, I've been unearthing trauma that's been buried my whole life. I've finally told my story, but some thoughts and memories still come up that I want to vent out but don't want to spam this site doing so through posts. Thank goodness for the blog feature here where I can put all of these vents of mine.

In the unlikely event that anyone reads these, thanks in advance for taking the time to do so.
Chels91
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Reflecting on my past relationship with my ex

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Wed Apr 20, 2022 6:18 pm

Talking about my ex lately has led to me contemplating on our past when we were romantically involved for nearly four years. We met when we were both 24 at some bar and grill we were both regulars at, each attending with our own group of friends. We has mingled with off and of for about two weeks before he asked if he could get my number and go out somewhere more classy sometime. We hit it off from there and before you know it we were dating for a few years.

I have a lot of pleasant experiences with him. We were both quite different as far as personal hobbies go, but he was always very sweet and good-natured. A true gentleman, not something you find in every man. There were plenty downs as there were ups like any relationship, but we enjoyed being together while it lasted. The talk of moving in together even came up at times, but it's probably good that it never came to that considering it had ended.

As for why it ended, I suppose it lied mostly with me losing affinity toward him. That's the short answer. The long answer is I was never really in love with him and I don't think I could have been, even if I might have told him I loved him. Some time before we had ended it, I found it being less fun to be around him. This is a crude way to put it, but for lack of a better way I can think at the moment, I simply got over him. He told me had sensed this for some time, we talked it over and agreed that it was probably best if we parted ways, so we did.

While we never actually discussed this, I think our sex life played a part as well. Like I've stated several times before in previous entries, I've never been a sexual person. Whenever we would have sex, he always was the one who initiated it. I would go along with it and even enjoy it, but I was never big on it. I didn't yearn for any sexual fulfillment with him. Sure I found him good-looking, but I guess I was never truly sexually attracted to him. He sensed this as well and would ask me if I had enjoyed sex. I never not enjoyed it, so I feel I was always honest. But in hindsight, I could have been more clear about not being all that into sex too.

Now we're back together, but just as friends. Perhaps even as close friends. In my last entry, I talked about enjoying his company and enjoying his touch but not in a sexual way. When we would be together, he always liked being physically affectionate with me, which I really liked as well. Hugging and caressing me; cuddling, as it were. Even his little quirks with paying attention to certain parts of my body I enjoyed enough to probably let him do it again. As weird as they tended to be, they were sort of guilty pleasures of mine.

It would be great if we could have all of those close moments again but have it be strictly as close friends without any romantic or sexual affiliation whatsoever. But I already know that's not realistic or just plain asking too much, especially since some of those touches he enjoyed doing would get him aroused before. Those are my thoughts anyway.

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Re: Reflecting on my past relationship with my ex

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Thu Apr 21, 2022 3:07 am

In any case, my ex is a great distraction from my past trauma. Just throwing that out there.
Chels91
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