I was 8 years old when it happened. It wasn’t really the first time my dad had molested me as he had been touching me inappropriately as early as toddler age, but this was the first time he took it to another level and when everything truly changed for me. If the trigger warning in the title didn’t indicate it already, this is going to get graphic, so fair warning.

It was just me and dad at home sitting on the couch watching TV one afternoon. He had his hands feeling my thighs and between my legs through my bottoms, but by this point, he had been doing that fairly regularly. It was weird, but it didn’t bother me that much, so I would just ignore it and continue watching TV.

Out of nowhere, my dad got to the floor on his knees in front of me and said “Take off your shorts, Chelsea.” I asked why and he said “You’ll see,” before repeating his demand. I hesitated for a moment and asked why again. His tone changed to a more serious one, the same he’d use when I would be in trouble. “Hey! Just. Do it.” I became scared and did as he said. Before I got my shorts halfway off, he said “Underwear too,” so I took my underwear and shorts completely off.

My dad put both hands on my knees and parted my legs. I was scared. I thought maybe he was somehow going to punish me for something. He must’ve noticed because he then changed his tone to a more calmer one. He said “Just relax. I’m not going to hurt you, but you need to relax, okay?” That somewhat reassured me, but I was still sitting naked from the waist-down right in front of my dad who was holding my legs open without any idea why! Suffice it to say, I was still feeling nervous. He calmly ushered me again “Go on, relax.” I eased up as best as I could. He then moved his head down on my vagina and started performing oral sex.

The moment he started, my whole world as I knew it was over. He could’ve stopped after just a few seconds and I still wouldn’t have ever been the same after. My innocence was gone. Dramatic, I know. But it’s true. I remember thinking something along the lines of “Wow, what are all of these new sensations?” It felt similar to when he’d touch my privates through my bottoms, but much stronger. Whereas that was just a weird feeling, this was a weird GOOD feeling.

Before I knew it, my body was reacting to the stimulation in ways I couldn’t control. Moans and deep breaths were escaping my mouth, which I had no control over either. I would make sounds I couldn’t control before, but only when I was crying after being hurt. But I wasn’t crying and this didn’t hurt. What was happening to me? Sure it felt good, but I could barely enjoy it because everything that was happening was so foreign and obviously, I didn’t understand any of it so it actually frightened me.

I soon started feeling something more familiar: the feeling like I had to go pee. Only this was much stronger too and it was only getting stronger the longer it went on. My dad stopped just for a moment to ask “How does that feel, Chelsea?” I was honest and said “I have to go to the bathroom.” I barely got it out because I was feeling out of breath. He said “What?” I repeated what I said loudly. He didn’t say anything and just continued. I forgot all about my protests for a few minutes longer once he did.

Part of me didn’t want it to stop because it felt so good and kept feeling better, but it also started feeling more and more like I had to go. After a few more minutes, I said “Dad stop! I’m gonna pee!” He snapped at me “No you’re not!” I got scared again and thought “What the heck?! Is my dad trying to get me to pee in his mouth?!” I just knew it was coming and started feeling embarrassed. On top of my dad yelling at me again, my body was reacting more intensely as well, which scared me even more. But it was still feeling amazing. I didn’t know what to think! Embarrassment, fear, pleasure… I was experiencing so many conflicting emotions, it was overwhelming.

Though not nearly as overwhelming as what eventually happened. Just when I thought it couldn’t feel any better, it did. With that, my body jerked and twitched like an earthquake was happening inside of me and I let out a series of moans that were louder than ever. I experienced my first orgasm. My dad was right in that I didn’t pee, but nothing could have prepared me for that. I became exhausted, physically and mentally. I believe I was in a bit of shock over what just happened. Sure it felt good, but I was still traumatized.

When my dad finished, he sat back on the couch beside me as I was catching my breath. He put an arm around me and joked “See? Told you you weren’t going to pee.” Which is pretty maddening in retrospect. After violating your own daughter and stealing her innocence, you joke about it? I didn’t say anything and sorta just sat there in shock. When I didn’t answer, he turned my head toward him and said “Hey, are you alright?” When I looked at him, I just started bawling my eyes out. All the pent up emotions were finally coming out. My stupid dad, he was so confused. He was asking me what was wrong while holding me and trying to console me. I couldn’t even answer because I was crying too hard.

When I eventually settled down, he started talking again. I don’t remember everything he said, but he basically told me he just wanted to make me feel good because he loved me and that was how he could show it - something he would repeat on several occasions over the years as it went on. He said he does the same with my mom, that that’s what people who love each other do to show it, but it’s also very private so I couldn’t tell. I believed every word of it, of course, and never told.

This happened on an early day in the week, on a Monday or a Tuesday. My dad would molest me again that weekend when he had me alone for a couple hours while my mom went shopping. He gave me oral sex again and after that, it became the norm. But this was the very first time it happened. Most of the other times he did it are a blur for how often it would occur, but I remember the first time very vividly as you just read.

I’ve been replaying this memory in my head over and over since these memories started resurfacing after my dad died recently at the time of this entry. But this is the first time I’ve written about it and I have done so hoping it will serve as a means of therapy for me. I’m not sure if it will work. I might make another entry about it on whether it does or doesn’t. Regardless, it’s worth a try.