I forgot to post about my therapy session the day it happened again. And from now on, I’ll just be using this new title format, if you will, when making entries about my therapy sessions.

As expected, my therapist and I discussed a lot about when I was 15 and everything my dad did to me while he was molesting me. Also as expected, it was hard to say aloud. I regret to say more time was spent with me having trouble getting it out than I cared for. I even nearly choked up at one point when recounting how dead inside I felt while it was happening. But I suppose that’s how this works. We also talked about how when he’d do it a few more times when I was 17 and how awkward and unconfident he became when he did it. I’ll probably make an entry on that time soon. Overall, I feel everything is still going well with therapy so far. It’s no fun to talk about and I dread going to these appointments, but I leave feeling satisfied that I’m finally voice all this pent up trauma to somebody else without fear of being judged or them having an emotional response. Next appointment is on Thursday, as planned. She (my therapist) didn’t say what she wanted to talk about next time, but there’s still a lot more to discuss, of course. We’ll just see where she steers it.

My therapist recently helped me learn that when I was being molested at age 15, that was the hardest time for me throughout my 20 years of being molested by my father. It’s been lingering in my head for the past few days and I’ve been wanting to vent about it, but also don’t just for how graphic it’s going to be when I do. But I’m getting tired of thinking about it now so I’m going to do it.

My dad had been giving me oral sex since age 8 and did it once a week until I was 13. By that point, I had come to realize how horribly wrong it all was, but I didn’t have the courage to put a stop to it. But my dad started doing it less after I turned 13. It went from once a week to once every few weeks or so. I had hoped he would do it less and less before finally stopping on his own. I can’t help but roll my eyes at myself as I’m typing this for how sorely mistaken I was.

After I turned 15, he started doing it a lot more often. He had gotten a job where he’d work from 4 PM to past midnight. I would get home from school around 2 and my mom would work until 5. My dad always had two hours alone with me and during those times after school is when it would usually happen from then on. He would either come on to me after a while or he’d start as soon as I walked through the door. But when he would get started, he would often eat me out multiple times. I remember him doing it more than once occasionally before, but it became the new normal. When he’d start, I always knew it likely wasn’t going to be the only time he was going to do it that day.

He started doing it at night more often too. Before, that was also something he would do occasionally, but now he had more of a window to do it since he was coming home past midnight while my mom would be asleep. I remember one time he had given me four orgasms during the day and I felt so dirty and tired after it was over. I was glad it was over for that day, at least. Then later that night, I wake up to him down between my legs again where he gave me another. Those days were really hard because he was already eating me out so many times and then he’d do it once more when I couldn’t see it coming. Of course, my mom was always none the wiser to it.

Before, I had noticed my dad looking at me differently. I would see his eyes glancing up and down my body, especially my breasts. He would tell me things like how I was looking very beautiful that day. Those were hardly flattering coming from him because I knew he was saying it out of lust. When I was 14, he accidentally(?) walked in on me in the laundry room as I was folding clothes. I didn’t have a shirt on, so he saw me in my bra. He said sorry at first, but then started staring. I just froze. He then had me sit on top of dryer and went down on me right there. When he finished, he told me I was growing into a lovey young woman and said he’d have to get used to seeing me like that. I’m not sure what that meant, but the reason I mention that was because I believe at that point was when he really started lusting after me and thus, started doing it more.

He also started doing things to my body. Sometimes he would start by lifting up my shirt to start at my breasts, fondling them and putting his mouth on them before eventually going lower. He started masturbating as well. Usually while he would go down on me and having it so we both came at the same time. But a few times, he’d have me stand in front him in nothing but my underwear while he kissed all up and down my body and masturbated. When he ejaculated, he usually did it on a kleenex, but sometimes he’d get it on me. He’d either get his semen on my body or directly on my vagina.

I have no memory of him ever masturbating himself before then. I think before, it had been about pleasuring me more than him. Obviously he enjoyed giving me oral sex, but I don’t even remember him looking aroused when he would. It’s like the main objective was getting me off, but now it was about him getting off too. That’s when...

[ Continued ]

Just finished my second therapy session not half an hour after writing this post. I didn't get to piece together any fragmented memories as I had hoped. I guess that will come later. Instead, my therapist wanted to hear me tell the rest of my story being molested by my dad for 20 years since I didn't really get to finish the last time. Fair enough. I shouldn't rush this. We talked a lot about how he made a daily thing of it when I was 15. I recounted a lot of details that were tough to say aloud, as expected. My therapist was able to provide some decent insight as well. I learned that that period when I was 15 really was the roughest for me. Of course it was, I was enduring it every single day, often multiple times a day! I guess I just never sat down and thought of it that way. I know we're not done talking about that time and it's probably good that we continue next time. Anyway, that's how today's therapy session went. I'll be going back next Monday. She's thinking of having my days be Mondays and Thursdays, so that'll probably be my schedule for doing these little reports of mine too. It's hard. It really is. But who said it was going to be easy, right? As difficult as it is, I'm still glad I'm doing it.

Sometimes, I remember bits and pieces of certain events that happened when I was being molested at ages 8 and 9 specifically. In one, my dad stopped in the middle of it and said something to me. He seemed disheartened, but I can’t remember why or anything he said. In another, my mom is talking to me about a pair of my underwear, but all I remember is her holding them while speaking to me. Can’t remember what she said there either, but I’m thinking she had to have found something that shouldn’t have been there and was asking me about it. There are a few others but they’re too scattered and vague for me to say right now. I can remember things vividly, but there’s just some things I can’t for some reason. I’m hoping therapy will help me piece those memories together so I can remember. It bothers me that I can’t. I’m not sure if that’s how therapy works, but I guess I’ll find out. Maybe soon since my second appointment will be today. I’ll try to remember to write an entry about it once it’s over.

I had my first therapy session yesterday from writing this entry and forgot to write about it. It went rather well! I was nervous going in and actually sitting down to talk about how my dad molested me out loud for the first time, but it was easier than expected. I told the therapist pretty much everything I said in my first post here recounting my molestation and how it went on for many years. It was great to finally say this to someone in person. It helped that my therapist is a fellow survivor as well, so I know she was able to empathize. Overall, I feel it went well enough. My next appointment is going to be Thursday. I’m still a little nervous because I can already tell this was just the easy part and it’ll likely get harder from here. At least that’s one appointment down, probably many more to go.