Today, we talked about when I was 15, when my dad started molesting me every day, rather than once a week or occasionally as he had before. I won’t get too detailed with what we spoke about since much of it was graphic to where I’d have to add a trigger warning for this entry. But I was able to vent quite a lot today and my therapist was helpful as always while providing her insight. Today was very productive. I feel we’re going to be talking about when I was 15 now for a while. There is a lot to talk about though. All demons to overcome and I’m still confident I can.

I’ve just been reflecting on myself and realized that I’ve never been a particularly happy person. I’m not necessarily unhappy, but I’m never any life of the party either. When I was younger, I would be but since entering my adult years, I’ve been pretty emotionless most of the time. Sometimes I wonder how I even have any friends because I always appear to be so stern and devoid of a sense of humor. What about my personality appeals to people? I’m really not that serious though and I always try to be friendly and open-minded. But again, you’re never going to see me being all that upbeat or comical. I can’t help but wonder if it’s an after effect of my trauma. Like I said, I was a bit more pleasant when I was a kid. I can’t help but think all that I’ve been through has changed me. Particularly when I was 15 and felt dead inside for when my trauma became an everyday occurrence. That was certainly the darkest time for me. Maybe a part of me still feels dead on the inside for all that was taken from me. Or maybe I’m just looking too much into that. After all, I’ve meet those who have endured lifelong hardships and are some of the cheeriest people you’ll ever meet. This could just be how I am. Not everything has to be a result of what happened to me, right?

I know it’s a bit late to be giving insights about the new year since we’re about a week in already, but from my perspective, I’m looking toward 2022 with optimism. This year, I’m feeling confident that I’ll have overcome my trauma enough to where I feel I’m back in control of my life. Ever since my dad died and all the suppressed memories of him molesting me for 20 years flooded in, I’ve felt like I wasn’t in control of my life any longer. Even after his passing, he still maintains control over me with all the long-term trauma I now have to finally deal with. But I’m on the right track with my therapy. Still many obstacles to overcome that I’m admittedly scared of, but I’ll continue working toward becoming strong enough to face them. I’m not usually one for New Years resolutions, but if I’m to have one this year, it will be to have what control my dad still has on me be as empty as what I feel for him now by the end of the year. They say those who have been traumatized by being molested as a child never truly get over it and I already know I will always have to live with everything I went through with my dad. But my goal is to not have it rule my life any longer.

So I'm finally doing it. I'm going to make an entry that confronts one of my worst demons: when I was willingly being molested by my dad because I had enjoyed it. This was something I had struggled with a great deal before I even realized because I felt overwhelmed with guilt for liking my father molesting me, but I’ve overcome it enough to write about it. I was also admittedly fearful about posting this before of people interpreting my words as me looking back on it fondly or applying blame to me as I have for it being consensual, but people can make whatever they will of this. I’m beyond caring now, so here it goes…

If you've read my entry recounting the very first time my dad gave me oral sex, you'll get an idea of all the conflicted feelings I had from the physical pleasure and the mental distress I had simultaneously felt. I would still go on to feel conflicted over the years, but regrettably, by the third time or so he did it to me, the pleasure had overridden the distress. The inner conflict was still present, but it became a guilty pleasure for me, which I'll elaborate on later. When it would happen though, I would always just live in the moment and enjoy it.

Every week, my dad would find an opportunity where he could have me alone. When he did, he’d always initiate it by telling me to lower whatever bottoms I was wearing and get into a certain position. I always knew what that meant. I wouldn't say a word and just did as he said. He usually had me sit on the furniture for him, be it on one of the sofas or one of the chairs. Sometimes he'd have me stand while doing it, I guess whenever he didn't feel like kneeling down. But whenever he'd have me get ready for him, he usually just went right to it. Sometimes he'd kiss and lick the inside of my thighs before proceeding to my vagina, but he didn't start giving the rest of my body a whole lot of attention until I was a teenager.

Whenever he would start, I would just lay back and enjoy every moment. I still vividly remember my child and preteen self moaning, leaning my head back with my eyes closed and letting my body react to the intense feelings of physical pleasure I would always experience. Sometimes my dad would stop for a moment to ask me how it felt and I would always answer with enthusiasm, telling him how good it felt. But he’d usually just stay focused on what he was doing. I’d occasionally look down at him and he’d always either have his eyes closed or just be looking at where his mouth was. His hands would usually just be on my legs or waist holding me in place for when my body would tremble and writhe around. I had an orgasm every time. Each time I did, I would always get a feeling of contentment. I loved how good it made me feel. I’d feel happy, satisfied and very relaxed afterward.

After making me cum, my dad would usually just pull my bottoms back up for me then sit with me and hug me until I settled down. Then it was just right back to normal. If we were in the living room, I’d go back to watching TV. Sometimes I would feel tired afterwards so I would take a nap and sleep soundly. It became a normal routine for us. Whenever the opportunity arose, he would just get to it and once it was done, it was just back to our lives. We didn’t really talk about it outside of when he’d molest me. It was always directly before, during, or directly after. One thing my dad liked telling me periodically was that this was his way of showing how much he loved me, by making me feel good in the best way. The way he said it was like making it seem it was normal, that other fathers are doing this to their daughters.

While I always agreed that what he would do was the best feeling I ever experienced, I never believed it when he’d tell me this was some sort of affectionate thing. I believed he believed it and he could very well have! But I knew our relationship was not normal at all. Of course it wasn’t. In no world is it normal for a child to be sexually active as young as 8 year...

[ Continued ]

I’m back. My two therapy sessions for the last week of the year 2021 got canceled because we had a damn snow storm that shut the therapist’s office down. And my appointments have been moved to alternating between Tuesdays and Wednesdays every other week. Which is fine because I feel we’ve made a lot of progress since I’ve started therapy and feel I don’t need to go as often anymore. If need be, my therapists says we can sort something out to where I can go more often again.

Now then, yesterday’s therapy session went fine. It partly catching up and then picking up where we left off: me coming to terms about the first several years being molested by my dad, when I was willingly partaking in it. I thought it would be harder to talk about this time since it had been a while since we had, but it wasn’t. We went over things we already had before, but the difference this time was it was easier for me to do so. Much easier. I feel I’ve mostly come to terms with the shame and guilt I’ve been feeling about during that time and will make an entry about it real soon.

I still have a long way to go dealing with my 20 years of being molested by my dad, but this is a big step forward. Hopefully by the next session, I’ll have taken another giant step forward.